J.D.: You're late Keith. Which doesn't surprise me, because you're a terrible person.
Keith: Sorry, I was helping with a gunshot victim downstairs.
J.D.: Lies won't get you anywhere, Keith.
Keith: I'm... covered in his blood.
J.D.: That could be anyone's blood.
Carla: Here's the gunshot victim from downstairs.
Gunshot victim: Hey, my blood!
J.D.: That's not your blood.
Gunshot victim: Yes, it is!
J.D.: Quiet time.
Turk: Dude, you all right? You were gone for a really long time.
J.D.: You're gonna be an awful father!
You think you're better than me? With your rock hard abs and your dynamite areolas, well you're not.
J.D. holds up a condom
Elliot: J.D., I can explain.
J.D.: (As he picks up another one) Oh you did it twice! Alrighty. Somebody's a stud. We got a stud alert here! (Makes a siren sound then picks up a bunch of condoms) Ok this is just mathematically impossible.
J.D. comes in, in pain
Keith: You ok, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: Keith, it's like you're begging me to hate you.
Keith: I don't feel like I am.
J.D.: You can't stop, can you?
"El Toro Grande"? I'm not familiar with this brand.
Cavewoman: Why you go now?
J.D.: Oh hey, you're up. Um, look, I don't know what you're looking for but I just got out of a really tough relationship with this girl, Debbie. Also, my sister was carried off by a giant bird so we've all been in mourning about that. And my brother ate my foot. But you are just fantastic. The things you were doing last night were well, crazy. Ok? So when I clear up my own stuff, I'd love to get back together with you.
J.D.: Ok I should really go.
Patient: I keep getting light-headed and passing out but you haven't seen it because it only happens when I yawn.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, quick, tell him a story.
J.D.: Lay off bub, okay? I'm still pretty upset about the whole Julie thing...
J.D.: You know in high school once there was a...
(Dr. Cox falls down)
J.D.: Hope that hurt.
(Dr. Cox jumps back up)
Dr. Cox: Totally worth it.
J.D.: Does anyone know what the cause of death may have been?
Keith: Maybe when you leaned over to check his I.V., you smothered him to death with one your love handles.
J.D.: What did you say, Keith?
Keith: Dr. Reid told me if you picked on me I should stand up for myself. And that you're very sensitive about your doughy physique.
In J.D.'s room
Janitor: I come by here a couple times a week and move stuff around. Turn off his alarm. Maybe cut his bangs.
Dr. Cox: You're clearly in need of help but darn it, I'm not gonna give it to you. How sound a sleeper do you think he is?
Janitor: Well, watch this.
Janitor hits the bed and J.D. sits up then lies down again
Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her!
A whole week of sleep, you're going to have some killer bed head. I'm nervous, I'm sorry. I love bed head, see?