Kif: And she doesn't even want to cuddle any more, she just wants to hit me with various chairs.
Fry: You're lucky. I can't even get Leela to verbally abuse me.

Zapp: Now watch, Kif, as I score a diplomatic coup by congratulating the admiral in his native tongue!
Kif: Last time you tried that, the Mexican restaurant declared war on us! I beg you, just use the translator.
Zapp: Kif, just trust me for once. [speaks in alien language]
Translator: I'd like to spank your sister with a slice of bologna.
Zapp: Heheh. Oops.
Kif: It's the Battle of Paco's Tacos all over again!

Lrrr: We demand to eat one human for each Omicronian that was eaten.
Zapp: Fair enough. How many is that?
Kif: 198 billion, sir.
Lrrr: Very well. You will provide us with 198 billion humans. And, uh, small fries.
Nd-Nd: Lrrr!
Lrrr: Oh, alright, cottage cheese!

Kif: Sir? There aren't that many human beings.
Zapp: A thought occurs: There aren't that many humans.
Lrrr: We're willing to wait a few weeks while you shore up the numbers.
Zapp: Hmm. 198 billion babies in a few weeks. We'll need an army of super-virile men scoring round the clock! I'll do my part. Kif, clear my schedule.

Zapp: So, do I have your loyalty, men?
Bender: To the ends of the universe.
Fry: Ten hundred percent!
Zapp: That's not nearly loyal enough. I order you to sit around and drink beer until you're as loyal as Kif here.
Bender: Yes, sir, sir!
Kif: Um, may I have a beer, sir?
Zapp: No. You're loyal enough already.

Kif: What shall I do with your civilian clothes, sir?
Zapp: Take them to the laundry-brig.

Glab: And now, to cut the ribbon, the legendary DOOP captain who just returned from a triumphant carpet-bombing of Eden 7, Zapp Brannigan.
Zapp: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
Kif: Um, sir, you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now.
Zapp: No matter. I'll simply cut it from here with the ships laser.
Kif: Sir, I don't think that's wise.
Zapp: Kif, if there's one thing I don't need it's your I-don't-think-that's-wise attitude.

Zapp: One day a man has everything, the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station and the next day he has nothing. It makes you think.
Kif: No, it doesn't.

Zapp: Rock crushes scissors! But paper covers rock. And scissors cuts paper! Kif, we have a conundrum.
Kif: (sigh)
Zapp: Search them for paper! And ... bring me a rock!

Kif: I've computed out landing co-ordinates, Captain.
Leela: Thanks, Kif. Very nice work.
Kif: Wait, what?
Leela: I said "very nice work".
Kif: This is the happiest day of my life.

Zapp: Meanwhile, I have a plan. We will single-handedly attack our archenemy the Neutral Planet.
Kif: Oh, jeez.
Zapp: Once the neutral war machine lies in ruins, I'll be a hero again and the DOOP will reinstate me as captain.
Kif: But, sir, that plan makes no sense.
Zapp: Maybe not to you, Kif, but if I recall correctly, you were court-martialled in disgrace.
Fry: Ooh, burn!
Bender: Nailed you, buddy!

Kif: The point is, it's just so humiliating working for that man. Once, he actually ordered me to... shave his armpits while he was in the bathtub. So, I said-
Leela: Y'know, why don't we talk about something besides Zapp for a while?
Kif: Oh, alright. Um... well... how 'bout then, um... OK, well, there he was in the tub, right?

Futurama Quotes

Farnsworth: (on the phone) Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say. Very well then. (hangs up) Sad, sad, terrible, gruesome news about my colleague, Dr. Mobutu.
Leela: Was his apartment rent-controlled?

My job? Toilets 'n boilers, boilers 'n toilets, plus that one boilin' toilet. Fire me if'n you dare.