Archer: Woah woah woah, I thought nobody else was supposed to know about this.
Malory: He won't remember.
Krieger: Yeah, no... I'm... I am shitfaced.

Pam: Come on Ms. Archer! You've been in there ten hours, meet us half way and Krieger will let you out of there.
Krieger: Or else he'll crank up the heat again.
Cheryl: I love... that you know how to do that.
Krieger: And I love that I have an erection, that didn't involve homeless people.

Cheryl: You can't control a person's heart.
Krieger: You can with a little something I like to call a deep cycle marine battery... or LSD.

Archer: Can you put it in a person's brain?
Krieger: It'd suffocate.
Archer: Not the rabbit, you idiot - the chip.
Krieger: Oh yes, absolutely.
Archer: Without killing the person?
Krieger: Oh... maybe?

Cheryl: So, Krieger's a doctor.
Cyril: Not the medical kind!
Krieger: Not even the other kind... technically.

Krieger: So, uh have you ever thought about having a baby?
Cheryl: Sometimes I think about adopting a little baby so I could abandon it at a mall.
Krieger: That answers my follow up question.

Krieger: Pam, if you're dumping stuff on the street, you can also dump these.
Pam: What is it?
Krieger: Shattered dreams.
Cheryl: Smells like rotten meat.
Krieger: Also, yes.

Krieger: My entire laboratory is at your disposal.
Malory: thanks I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.

Archer: I've been treating my cancer with sugar pills!?
Krieger: You didn't think it was weird your chemo drugs were chewable?
Archer: Little kids get cancer.

Archer: Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the hogs of war.
Krieger: Dogs of wars.
Archer: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up.

Pam: Zing! ... Wildly inappropriate.
Krieger: Seriously, Pam.
Pam: Okay, clone wars.
Krieger: Zing.

Malory: Well, what about the ground breaking work that Dr. Krieger is doing for ISIS in our Applied Research Division?
Pam: Yeah, tell him about the sex robot.
Malory: Yes, the.. what?
Krieger: I call him Fister Roboto.

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?