Barry: Just so I understand you, your theory is that the truck backfired, whereas your theory is fireworks.
Enforcer: They are Chinese.
Barry: What, in Christ Foo Yong, could they be celebrating?

Archer: Whaaaaaat...
Pam: What?!
Archer:....the shiiiit?!?!
Pam: They knew me from work!

Pam: Everything is my business.
Archer: Oh, including white slavery?
Pam: What?
Archer: Those girls are tied up, asshole.
Pam: No they're not, they're just...aww dog dicks.
Archer: Yeah, so...
Pam: Uhhh, wouldn't it be "yellow slavery?"
Archer: (gasps in disbelief) Uh, I don't know, racist!
Pam: White slavery is just as racist!
Archer: WHAT??
Pam: Nooo, you know, if you differentiate between cotton-picking slavery-
Archer: Jesus Christ!
Pam: -and then white slavery then that's-
Archer: SEXUAL slavery, then.
Pam: Okayyyy!
Archer: Goddammit.
Pam: My point is I think we're both anti-slavery.

Lana: What sort of daily expenses does a semi-private investigator incur?
Archer: Bullets?
Lana: Daily.
Archer: Or, I don't know, maybe a surf and turf dinner at the Polo Lounge?
Lana: Uh-huh?
Archer: And then maybe a room upstairs at the Beverly Hills hotel?
Lana: Uh-huh.
Archer: And then, maybe...
Lana: I'm gonna leave you here. Between hope and despair.

Krieger: Plus tip.
Archer: How about the tip of my cock.
Kriger: In that scenario, would I take your penis in my hand, in my mouth...
Archer: Asshole. Wait - no, I mean, not - Goddammit!!

I'm not paying 26 bucks for a bottle of frustration!

Archer

Lana: Oh, so suddenly you don't have a death wish!
Archer: Lana, I've never had a deathwish, it's just that I don't believe that I personally even can die.

Dr. Sklodowska: ...we could just ask me, the woman who graduated from Harvard Medical School summa cum laude.
Archer: With a minor in Spanish Bragging.
Dr. Sklodowska: A, that was Latin.
Lana: He knows.

Lana: We're the size of a bacteria.
Dr. Sklodowska: Bacterium.
Lana: Thanks, Jill Nye.

Archer: Seriously, where do you keep the fruity drink powder? I'd even take Rootin' Tootin' Raspberry.
Lana: How noble.
Archer: Well, no, I'd still bitch about it. And I think I've earned that right!

Lana: His left foot?!
Archer: Well that's good.
Slater: How could that possibly be good?
Archer: Well, relative to Krieger's asshole...

Lana: Well, I did get an A in college biology.
Dr. Sklodowska: Oh,wow, great. So when we're traversing the occipital lobe, you'll know what to do if the ship is in imminent danger of phagocytosis by polymorphonuclear leukocytes?
Lana: It actually might have been an A minus.

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?