Cougar Town
Tuesdays 10:00 PM on TBSFavorite Laurie Keller Quotes
Bobby: Well come on Mando, you're married Ellie. You're a seasoned crazy bitch whisperer. No offense.
Laurie: You know, he once bitch whispered me down from choking out a lady from using the handicap stall. Turns out she was handicapped, but, like, barely.
Laurie: Man hands? You're stealing jokes from Seinfeld now?
Jules: Was that that Jewish guy you dated in High School?
Ellie: No, he had a huge TV show. Must see TV?
Jules: Never heard of it. No one's gonna tell me what's must see.
Laurie: If you really want to get back at a man, scare him with a pregnancy test. I've got a whole box of old positives at my house.
Ellie: You're an American treasure.
Grocery store jail, seriously?
Don't bum out Jules, not everyone is blessed with our God given lack of judgment.
No one's ever made me a stalker video that I didn't have to see in a courtroom first. I love it.
Even I’m uncomfortable, and I once had sex in a cemetery. I had "Rita Rogers Loving Wife and Mother" printed on my back for two weeks.
Jules: Hey, does it make me gay if I eat this?
Ellie: I think it does.
Jules: Well I’m doing it anyway.
Laurie: Do you want a fork?
That’s the first time I've been called a slut in a bad way.
I haven’t hurt this bad since I had to push my childhood home to a gas station. I would give anything to stop.
Letting you put this green screen in my apartment was one the worst mistakes of my life, and I've went out with Dennis Rodman y’all.
Ellie: We're at a public event this is not the place for ear sex and a full body rub down.
Laurie: All you do is take me granted.
