Linda: God, you'd be hard to go out with.
Ted: Hey, I am fantastic to go out with. I'm... I'm thoughtful as a man can be, while still pillaging like a Viking in the bedroom. But I am not getting involved in Veronica's personal life.
Linda: So my boss gets to have all the sex-fun of a relationship, while all the stress of being exhausted trickles down to me? Man, capitalism blows.

Linda: Whenever I have sex, I have to be alert the next day so I don't make mistakes. I have to be alert during sex so I don't make mistakes. Basically, I always have to be alert.
Ted: Is it possible to make mistakes during a sex, for a woman to make mistakes during sex?

Ted: Okay! Everybody's here.
Linda: Okay! Everybody's here.
Ted: I know you're co-leading this, but that doesn't mean just repeating what I say.
Linda: Maybe you're repeating what I say just before I get a chance to say it.

Ted: And I can't get enough of the company's love.
Linda: Maybe you and the company should spend a weekend in wine country together, share a couple of bottles one evening, maybe convince it not to wear panties to dinner. [walks away]
Veronica: You should jump on that, Ted, before the crazy outweighs the hot.

Linda: Well, have fun, you two. Don't do anything I wouldn't do! (whispers to Rebecca) There's nothing I wouldn't do.
Rebecca: I know. I was your roommate.

Linda: So I'm setting you up with my friend Rebecca. She's beautiful and a veterinarian. so when you meet her, if you start trembling and pee on the floor, she'll be okay with it.
Ted: Well, it is my move.

Veronica: Okay, fellas, nerd it up.
Ted: We've been developing a new search engine, and unlike language based search engines, this face-matching technology uses visual recognition...
Veronica: Less nerd, more English.
Phil: You take an image of a person...
Lem: Or "picture."
Phil: And scan it into a computer...
Lem: Or "magic box."
Linda: I'm not embarrassed to say, this is helping.

Linda: So my boyfriend wants us to move in together.
Veronica: Why would he wants us to move in together?
Linda: No, I mean he wants me to move in with him.
Veronica: Then where am I supposed to live?
Linda: You're sabotaging this conversation, aren't you?
Veronica: Just 'til we get to the meeting.

Ted: I hope you're not upset.
Linda: Nah. You stole from the company for me. How could a girl be mad at someone that does that? You're like my thief in shining armor.

Phil: And so we're looking for a way to make Ted feel good about us again.
Lem: Any ideas?
Linda: I don't know. Buy him a candle.
Lem: That's not gonna fly. Ted hates things that light on fire.
Phil: Hey, Ted likes Linda.
Lem: You wanna give him Linda?
Phil: Well, I mean, I wasn't thinking that, but...
Linda: I will be given to no man! I saw that in a movie once. (the guys stare) Nothing.

Ted: The company has classified this as confidential.
Linda: But it's a good thing. Why does it need to be confidential?
Ted: Because, uh, if only bad things were confidential, then every time they labeled something as "confidential," people would know it was bad.
Linda: That's weird.
Ted: I know. Then don't do it.

Veronica: God, I love Asia. There's no regulation on anything. Did you know companies there can just shoot a man in the street? I heard that at a conference about reasons to move your business to Asia.
Linda: I know. They make it crazy hard to kill anyone here. I want my country back.

Better Off Ted Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things


Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie