Archer
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXMalory Quotes
Archer: You've been lying to me my entire life. Just for once I want you to tell me the truth.
Malory: Well, people in hell want ice water.
Malory: And what? You think he wanted to mind control you into loving him?
Archer: You tell me, mother. That's your speciality!
Immigrants. Cramming their low riders full of free health care and... snow.
Lana: Gestad? Count me in!
Archer: And me out. I'm not getting frost bite protecting some old German guy.
Malory: Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter Anka.
Archer: Who obviously needs someone on her. Constantly. I will that someone who's constantly on her.
Malory: This is why I can't have nice things
Archer: Why, because you shoot them?
Archer: I'm hungry.
Malory: So lick that coat. You smell like a...
Archer: Grill cheese.
Malory: What?
Archer: Grill me a cheese.
Malory: I'm not grilling you a cheese!
Archer: (Begins sobbing)
What! Who's there!? What do you want!? Because all your gonna get is holes...Uh.. I mean... holes in you... not my holes...
(Trying to figure out who Archers father is)
Archer: And just who might my dad be?
Malory: Gene Krupa, no wait... not Krupa... the other one, the one with Teeth......Buddy Rich.
Archer: (shocked) What?
Malory: I could never say no to a drummer.
Archer: (furious) COULD YOU SAY NO TO ANYONE!!?
(Malory vicously slaps him across face and glares)
Malory: (glowering) I said no to plenty.
(Malory is Depressed because she thinks Sterling's Dead)
Malory: (Despondent) Bring me some posion Pam because I don't wish to live anymore! I'm dead inside...
Pam: (holding notice) Too, dead inside to read good news?
Malory: (overly dramatic) Is it my Obituary?
Pam: (smirking) Well, it's not that much good news.
Malory: (snarling) GIVE ME THAT, OAF!!
(looks at paper) OH MY GOD! Sterling! He's Alive!!
Malory: (discussing Arhcer) He'll be back! Crying for his mommy, just like that christmas break when I moved and forgot to give the boarding school my new address. (Carol who's listening gasps) I mean he rode the train all the way into town he couldn't pick up a phone book!? (Carol gasps horrified) 9 years old and crying for his mommy in that Police Station like a little girl! What does that tell you?
Carol: (disgusted) Kind of a lot actually....
Malory: (annoyed) Oh shut up I bet your barren.
Carol: So after I..(dodges a thrown Vase) after I call your vase guy?
Malory: (refering to Archer) Freeze everyone of his accounts!! And then call woodhouse, then we'll see how long Sterling can go without suckling at my teat!
Carol: (shudder) Ugh!
Lana: Did Cyril run past here sobbing in a woman's bathrobe?
Malory: Well it wouldn't surprise me, you're driving him stark-raving mad.
Lana: What'd I do?
Malory: Running up and down in your cheap Fiachi knockoffs
Pam: Against the rules.
Malory: Half-naked, tits bouncing around like you're at a rodeo.
