Miranda Hobbes Quotes
I'm warning you ladies, if I make it to four months, I'm humping one of you.
(Carrie and Miranda at the drug store)
Carrie: I'm on total ovary overload. Which kind do I get?
Miranda: Here. This one's on sale. Half off.
Carrie: Sweetie, I just spent 395 dollars on a pair of open-toed Gucci's last week. This is not the place to be frugal.
I just realized; maybe it's maturity or the wisdom that comes with age, but the witch in Hansel and Gretel, she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house, and these brats come along, and start eating it.
Carrie: Oh shit! I totally spaced. I forgot to buy her a present. How tacky is it to give the mother-to-be a fistful of cash?
Samantha: Oh don't worry about it. (Shows a bottle of Scotch) You can go in on mine.
Carrie: You bought a pregnant woman a bottle of Scotch?
Samantha: The invitation said BYOB.
Miranda: That meant, "Bring Your Own Baby".
Carrie: What did you get her?
Miranda: Condoms.
Carrie: Seriously. What'd you get her?
Miranda: Seriously. They're pastel.
Carrie: You don't have to lose yourself to have a kid. I know plenty of cool, hip mothers who live in the City and who still have great careers and stuff.
Samantha and Miranda: (at the same time) Who?
(Carrie's period is late seven days)
Samantha: Oh honey, gray area. True, you're in front of the firing squad, but you haven't been shot.
Miranda: I was once ten days late.
Carrie: Really? Were you having sex?
Miranda: ...No.
Carrie: What if I am?
Miranda: If you am, you am.
Carrie: I don't think I'd be very good at this. I mean, am I maternal?
Miranda: Um...ye...
Carrie: You know when I was a little girl, I left my favorite baby doll out in the rain for four days. Her face peeled off. That can't be good.
Miranda: Yeah, but I mean if you...
Carrie: I shaved my Barbie's head when I was mad at her.
Miranda: When I was little, I took a rubber band and put it around my dog Pepper's snout.
Miranda: What's the big deal? In 50 years men are gonna be obsolete anyway. I mean, already you can't talk to them, you don't need them to have kids with, you don't need them to have sex with anymore, as I've very pleasantly discovered.
Samantha: Uh oh, sounds like somebody just got their first vibrator.
Miranda: Not first, ultimate. And I think I'm in love.
Carrie: I'm not going to replace a man with some battery-operated device.
Miranda: You say that, but you haven't met The Rabbit.
Samantha: Oh come on, if you're going to get a vibrator, at least get one called The Horse.
Charlotte: A vibrator does not call you on your birthday. A vibrator doesn't send you flowers the next day. And you cannot take a vibrator home to meet your mother.
Miranda: Well. I know where my next orgasm is coming from. Who here can say as much?
(Miranda shows Carrie and Charlotte the vibrator at the store)
Miranda: Ladies, I'd like you to meet "The Rabbit."
Carrie: 92 dollars?!
Miranda: Please, think about the money we spend on shoes.
Charlotte: Well I have no intention of using that. I'm saving sex for someone I love.
Miranda: Fantastic. Is there a man in the picture?
(Carrie takes it out of the box)
Charlotte: Look! Oh, it's so cute! Oh I thought it would be all scary and weird, but it isn't! It's pink, for girls! I love the little bunny, it has a little face! Like Peter Rabbit.
Carrie: And it's even got a remote. I mean, how lazy do you have to be?
Miranda: You haven't met the Rabbit.
Samantha: Oh, come on. If you're going to get a vibrator, at least get one called the Horse.
Therapist: So what do you think your dream meant?
Miranda: I'm in a sandbox with Charlotte, Sam, and Carrie, and they won't play with me. Please, it's obvious.
Carrie: (voiceover) Across town, Miranda was dealing with her own nightmare.
Miranda: Look, I know it's juvenile, but it bothers me. I'm attractive, I'm smart, right? Plenty of people should want me for a threesome.
Therapist: So, you're saying, that you're attracted to your girlfriends?
Miranda: No! But if your friends won't go down on you, who will?
