Nancy: You're religious?
Cesar: Selectively
Nancy: Right, the whole thou shalt not kill thing probably isn't work out that well for you, huh?
Cesar: and I support gay marriage

Celia Hodes: I followed Dean here, did you see him?
Nancy Botwin: Yes, I did, they were playing poker
Celia Hodes: Oh, great, now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana. Guess that's better than oriental pussy.

Nancy Botwin: Obviously menopause has effected your sense of smell.
Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.

Andy, this is my business, it's nothing to do with you. Go downstairs and do what you do best, patrol the couch in your underwear.

Conrad Shepard: You calling black people stupid?
Nancy Botwin: And lazy... and they also steal.
Heylia James: Yeah, but we sings and we dances real good.

Celia: You really should lock your front door.
Nancy: I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.
Celia: Subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.
Nancy: I still say we got the better end of that deal.

Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Nancy: Excuse me?
Celia: I think I'd like to try it.

Celia: I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna f**k around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more c**k in my mouth is just too depressing.
Nancy: I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.
Celia: Maybe you're right. The truth is, p***y really skeeves me out. That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young, truly a rude awakening.

Andy: Hey, pants.
Nancy: Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cyber sex with a 15-year-old deaf girl.

Nancy: I don't give a flying f**k if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.
Celia: Sorry. I took a lude.

You listen, you stay away from my customer base. Don't deal to kids.

Nancy Botwin: Andy, today it was brought to my attention that the downside to this business is death, so right now I'm not thinking about "the bakery" I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
Andy Botwin: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy Botwin: Okay, now I pledge never to die.

Weeds Quotes

I'm the suburban baroness of bud, Nancy.

Nancy Botwin

You've made your bed, now f**k in it.

Nancy Botwin