Hey! Who keeps leaving the goddamn seat down?

Poovey

Figgis: Why do you constantly bring that up?
Poovey: What, Archer hammering your wife?
Figgis: Yes!
Poovey: In her flaps?
Figgis: YES!!
Poovey: [shrugs and mumbles] I dunno.

Coroner: Your jerk-off partner is already back there.
Poovey: Uh, what?
Archer: Ugh. Glasses, dark hair, gray at the temples, mouth that looks like somebody used a tomato capper to scoop out a pig's asshole and glued it onto his nose?
Poovey: Aww shit.

Poovey: You better pray to God it wasn't you who hit me. Because whoever it was...
Archer: [points to the gigantic Verl]
Poovey:...hits like a little bitch of a girl, who was born with some kind of bitch of a birth defect, so that instead of a fist, she just has this tiny bitch of a nubbin.

Archer: I really wish we hadn't have done that.
Poovey: I can never unsee him naked.
Archer: I mean, the size of that thing.
Poovey: Haul that big bastard out and you can use it as an umbrella stand.

Archer: Are you shitting me?!?
Pam: Awwww, I wouldn't shit you, you're my favourite turd!

Archer: Look, I know you cops have to check your weapons up front, and there's five of us and only one of you, so...
Pam: So who wants their ass beat first? And before you decide, keep in mind that I'm gradually goin' to get more tired, but also gradually more berserker.

Cyril: Come to think of it, Archer, where were YOU last night?
Archer: Ask your wife!
Pam: Awwww, you know his wife left him! For you, Archer, because you screwed her tits off at the precinct cookout! So then she thought the two of you would get married and live happily ever after, but you were like, "Whaaaaaaaat.."
Archer: (stares at Pam)
Pam: Exactly. That face right there.

Cheryl: I'm gonna use the money to buy an orphanage and then bulldoze it.
Pam: Why?!
Cheryl: Shits and grins. And screams. "Wah, porridge, wah!" Hahahahahaha.
Pam: Well, maybe she'll die.

Pam: I was voted best milker!
Krieger: Me too!
Everyone: Eww.

  • Permalink: Eww.
  • Added:

Pam: How do you not murder her every day?
Krieger: I do!

Kreiger: What is wrong with you people?
Pam: Ray's missing a hand!

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Lana: What's your third biggest fear?
Archer: Brain aneurysm.
Lana: What's a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp?
Archer: Nothing, it can happen anywhere at anytime, that's what makes it so terrifying.