Phil: Remember the great Kevin Bacon on footloose?
Luke: More like Foot-loser.

I don't like to talk about money. But I have exactly ten million dollars.

Phil: What did I say about eating things for money?
Luke: Charge the most and people will think you're worth it.

Phil: You're just a worrier, like when you thought he was never gonna talk.
Claire: He was two, and all he could do was bark.
Phil: I understood him.

We're like Ponce de Leon and his son... little Ponce.

We're not going to play good cop/mom.

Phil: It's the 21st century. You should get a pair.
Jay: I was gonna suggest the same thing.

Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No, no way. Not while my wife is still alive

Oh quick, nature's surefire sunburn remedy- aloe!

Claire: Who's our dumbest kid?
Phil: Luke.

You poked the bear girls! You poked him!

Ho Ho Hold up a sec!