Haley is so pretty. So she can meet someone who's the best at something

Phil: Then today it's, "everything I can do you can do better."
Luke: No, I can't.
Phil: Yes, you can.

Don't talk black to me!

If you can't beat em, drone em!

If you ain't white, you ain't right.

Claire: This cold stops with me. Why do you think I swapped beds with Luke last night?
Phil: You did?
Luke: Appreciated the back rub. Not sure I loved being called Miss Thang.
Phil: Nooooo!

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I'm still thinking about all the Sanjays.

It's Luke's career day. I thought I'd offer the kids a chance to put their face on my body.

A happy kid is like an anti-depressant. But a natural one, not the kind your husband has to find in your jewelry drawer.

Luke: How many moms does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Phil: How many?
Luke: None because she's got you to do that sucker.

I guess the couch did it to itself. I guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.

She's one of my 447 friends. Everyone wants a slice.

Modern Family Quotes

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

Gloria [punches guy]: Nobody calls him grandpa!
Luke: I do.