Claire: They're really leaving. What do we do?
Phil: What we always do. Leave the porch light on, they'll come back.

Yep, gonna lose a toenail. There goes sandal season!

Hey, I came to see a movie I'd already seen and know where all the jump scares are. Can you tell me where the big ones are in this one?

Claire: Oh, how cute. You tried to scare me for Halloween
Phil: How in the world did that not frighten you? Some of this is my actual blood! I knicked myself putting it on.
Claire: Sweetie, you don't know the first thing about scaring people. It's all about plausibility. And you were awfully casual for a guy that just got an ax in the chest. You know, if you really wanted to scare me, you should have waited until I opened the closet and found you hanging by a necktie.
Phil: Excuse me! I killed myself?!
Claire: Yeah, totally plausible. I mean, you've been so happy all these years, the other shoe is bound to drop, right?

I love it that you're smart now.

Laura: Did you pre-heat my oven?
Jay: Not on purpose.

Maybe spend a little less time with your nose in that psych book and a little more time being sexy.

Phil: On the trip's final morning, Dede was found in her room. She had apparently passed peacefully in her sleep, as a smile graced her face and her hands clutched ten pages of suggestions for the hotel staff.
Claire: That is so mom.
Mitch: Easy.

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I am totally confused about what we're supposed to do.

Ok, so what does real estate equal? Eighty percent contact.

Hey. You there? We're having some trouble getting these bad boys down.

I know you're scared, but you should feel proud. You took kind of a weird kid and turned him into somebody so comfortable with himself, he's willing to take on a pretty big adventure.

Cam

Modern Family Quotes

That's why we chose our secret warrior signal. My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn. Don't google that, by the way.

Phil

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell