The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXRalph Wiggum Quotes
Chief Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: (indignantly) I'm pretty sure there is.
Chief Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle --
Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. (shows him "Springfield Law".)
Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's ALSO illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
(Shot of Eddie the cop with squirrels running around in his pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing) Boys, knock it off!
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid said.
Homer: So, goodbye.
Chief Wiggum: Farewell.
Apu: Shop Kwik-E-Mart and save!
Be Sharps: Goodbye my Coney Island babe!
Principal Skinner: Ralph Wiggum will be standing in for your lectern.
Ralph: I'm a furniture.
Bart: How'd a pull up like you get a great card like that?
Ralph: My not-dead grandma sent it from Tokyo.
Bart: Ralph, I will play you for that card.
Ralph: Okay, but if I win, you'll have to teach me how to play this game
Michelle Obama: That's right, Lisa, as an avid organic gardner I've read your blog.
Lisa: Flotus1 is First Lady of the United States, one.
Michelle Obama: Yes, I wanted just flotus, but someone had it.
Ralph: That's me because I swim with my flotuses on.
I cheated wrong. I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers.
Don't snap my undies.
Chief Wiggum
All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says 'Capricorn', and something with coconut on it!
Chief Wiggum
Ralph: What's a battle?
Principal Skinner: Hahahaha, lets go.
Superintendent Chalmers: Did that boy say what's a battle?
Principal Skinner: No he said What's that rattle, it's about the heating duct.
Superintendent Chalmers: Hmm, it sounded like battle.
Principal Skinner: I've had a cold, so--
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh so you hear r's as b's?
Eddie: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Eddie: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney!
Chief Wiggum: (Gets out of car) I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Eddie: (Into radio) We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.
Dr. Wolfe: How often do you brush, Ralph.
Ralph: Three times a day, sir.
Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?
