South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralRandy Marsh Quotes
Stan: (whining) I don't want to go to this stupid party!
Randy: Come on, Stan, you're gonna have a great time.
Stan: No, you guys are going to have a great time. Whenever there's a party, the adults get to hang out and have fun while the kids spend the night locked in the basement, eating stale pretzels.
Gerald: Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it-
Randy: We did not share and intimate moment, okay? That makes it sound gay!
Man #1: Well, you know what I heard, I heard that he's gay.
Man #2: Oh, is he really?
Randy: Who?
Man: What?
Randy: Who did you hear is-is gay?
Man: Ricky Martin, the singer.
Randy: Oh.
You can't just hang out with your buddy, Kyle, all the time. People will think you guys are, you know, funny.
Jakov: THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO THE GAME YOU GUYS!
Randy: No problem, Jakov.
Men: (cheers)
Jakov: GO NINERS! NINERS!
Gerald: We're cheering for the Broncos, Jakov!
Jakov: Oops!
(Men watching game)
Jakov: DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT? I WATCHED THIS RABBIT, IT'S A BROWN RABBIT, AND GUESS WHAT, IT TOOK DOOKEY RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!
Randy: Hey, Jakov, do you mind if you could buy some pretzels for us.
Jakov: OK! Do you have money?
Gerald: Here and don't go to the store down the block, go to the Fairplay place four miles from here, they have better pretzels.
Jakov: OKAY! (trips) OOPS!
Mr. Mackey: Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off, mkay?
Men: Yep.
Randy: Mayor! I have it. I found out why people spontaneously combust.
Mayor: [over the phone] Why?
Randy: It's too complicated to explain over the phone.
[Cut to clipboard that says:]
Boyfriend == > Death
Girlfriend == > Death
Randy: Stan, go live with Kyle's family.
Stan: No dad, Kyle's dad sucks. He can't even get a nerection.
Randy: (chuckles) Really?
(Randy, after having been shunned by the town, is carrying the Micheal Angelo's "David" style statue of himself like Jesus carried the cross while being pelted with rocks )
Randy: Mr. Garrison, Mr. Garrison! You've got to help me!
Mr. Garrison: I, I do not know you, sir.
Newscaster: The spontaneous combustion problem escalates as more and more people go back to holding in all their farts. Meanwhile, the ozone layer continues to deplete as others refuse to hold in their farts for fear of combustion. As we all know, the cause for all of this is Randy Marsh, the son of a bitch who calls himself a scientist. We caught up with Mr. Marsh earlier today and he had this to say:
Randy Marsh: Uhh, I, I don't know what to say--
(Cuts back to the newscaster.)
Newscaster: What an asshole! I hate that guy and so do you! And now onto the weather! It' f(beep)king hot! Thanks to Randy Marsh; son of a bitch.
Stan: Dad, where's our Bible?
Randy: Not now Stan, I have to figure out what makes people spontaneously combust. Or else.
Stan: Or else what?
Randy: Exactly.
Stan: What?
Randy: Right.
Randy: Boys, did you notice anything strange about Kenny, in the weeks leading up to his combustion? What did he spend his time doing?
Kyle: He didn't do anything. He was always with his new girlfriend.
Randy: New girlfriend?
Stan: Yeah, he started seeing this girl and he spent all his time taking the bus to go visit her. What does that have to do with his death?
Randy: Maybe nothing...maybe everything.
(Dramatic music plays in the background)
Stan: Yeah, well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad a nerection.
Randy: Yes, yes of course-I've got work to do.
(They leave the room)
Randy: What?
(singing to Stan) Hush little baby, don't say a word, momma's gonna buy you a mockingbird. If that mockingbird don't sing, momma's gonna bury it in the backyard
Sharon Marsh
