Archer: How much of that did you hear?
Lana: Depends. What's your angle, Seamus?
Archer: (chuckles) Well, probably about 30 degrees.
[background rim shot]
Ray: (in background) Diminishing returns, Cliff!

Goddammit! I insist you let me share your marijuana cigarette!

Mother: What is it with you people and reefer?
Lana: Do you mean musicians or negroes?
Mother: Pick one.

Ray: I failed my induction screening.
Verl: Well yeah.
Cliff: Obviously.
Floyd: You put the "F" in 4F!
Ray: You know...

Archer: I realize that a segregated service is just crazy, especially given what we were fighting for over there, but -
Cliff: Oh now you got a "but."
Archer: ...if you think about it, the most racist thing would be, if, whenever there was a war, we only sent negroes.
Floyd: WOW.
Verl: Words fail me.

Archer: Will you quit jamming my ass with that thing?
Ray: He said, coyly.

Ray: Oh! So I'm good enough to drive y'all around?! Great! Maybe on the way we can stop off down the Piggly Wiggly!
Lana: When this is over, I really think you and I should have a nice long talk.
Ray: I'm sorry, am I forgetting my place?
Lana: Little bit.

Krieger: Alrighty, can someone give me a hand?
Cheryl: But Doctor, I thought the patient was getting the hand.
Krieger: Speaking of hands, Nurse, I'm -
Cheryl: Overplaying yours?
Krieger: Well I was gonna say "putty in yours" m'dear but I'll have to hand it to ya!
Cheryl: Hmm - keep your hands to yourself, Doctor.
Cyril: Can we have a show of hands? Who thinks this is getting out of hand?
Ray: Goddammit!! Can you please shut up - and sew on my robot hand!

I wouldn't even pay $2000 to get myself laid.

Pam: Cyril, you can lie to yourself...
Ray: Obviously, look at your sweater.

Ray: Good morning, this is Captian Ray Gillette welcoming you aboard from the flight deck. Flight time to Branson is about 3 hours--
Archer: No it isn't!
Ray: Shut up, and in the meantime..

Archer: Come on cyborg. RD2 it.
Ray: R2D2 it?
Archer: Yeah, probe around in there and whatever, shut down the tractor beam.
Ray: With what, my dick?
Archer: I....however you normally do it
Ray: I don't normally do it!
Archer: I know but this is an emergency.

Archer Quotes

KGB (Crenshaw): This may be old cliche, but... we have ways of making you talk.
Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
KGB (Crenshaw): Golf cart.
Archer: Whatever. Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

It's like my brain's a tree and you're those little cookie elves.