Ted Crisp Quotes
Ted: You stole a baby?
Linda: Only for a few seconds. Turns out, just because you write your name on something doesn't mean you get to keep it.
Ted: Yeah, I think babies have to be notarized
But I know I could beat Veronica. At the company picnic, I beat her in a three-legged race. Although we both lost to something Phil and Lem created in the lab
Ted: We'll let Cynthia win. Come on. Mickey will wear her ears.
Rose: Thank you, Daddy. Could I sleep with the lights on tonight?
Ted: It was the ear thing, wasn't it?
Rose: Little bit
Veronica and I sold so much wrapping paper, not only are you going to Disneyland, but Mickey's gonna be wearing your ears on his head. Oh, wait. That's a horrifying image
Ted: We work well together. Like Batman and...
Veronica: I'm Batman.
Ted: Well, it was my idea. I think...
Veronica: I'm Batman and Robin
Ted: Wait. You don't think competing all-out against a girl who's disabled is wrong?
Veronica: Wrong? How should I know what's wrong? I'm not some Greek philosopher. What does Rose think?
Ted: She's no help. I taught her her everyone should be treated equally.
Veronica: Well, then treat everyone equally.
Ted: No, you're not supposed to really do that. You're just supposed to teach it.
Veronica: Ted, you're a competitor. You want to win. You just need to hear it's okay.
Ted: No I don't. But it is, right?
Veronica: What if I were to help you sell your daughter's precious toilet paper?
Ted: It's wrapping paper.
Veronica: It's not my fault I don't listen when you talk
Ted: We're working on a contract for solar-powered ovens, which the military plans to air-drop into remote villages as a goodwill gesture. It'll be the only thing the military drops that doesn't kill people. The problem is...
Lem: It kills people.
Phil: The plastic we're using leaches toxins into food.
Lem: However, the toxins are only released when the ovens are exposed to sunlight.
Phil: Which is the only time solar ovens work.
Veronica: Some days, it seems like everything we do leaches toxins
My daughter is selling wrapping paper to raise money for her school. Whoever sells the most wins a trip to Disneyland. Second prize gets to cry while Rose and I go to Disneyland
Veronica: Here, I bought you some briefs. The boxers you were wearing didn't highlight your assets. Penis-ly speaking.
Ted: Thank you
Ted: And so, if the company keeps hiring white people to follow black people to follow white people to follow black people, by...
Lem: Thursday, June 27, 2013.
Ted: ...every person on Earth will be working for us. And we don't have the parking for that
Ted: Listen, you're not, uh, you know...
Veronica: What, Ted? Embarrassed? Upset? Disappointed? Itchy? Hungry? Earning twice your salary? Don't worry, I'm not any of those things. Maybe a little hungry. Plus, the salary thing
