Ted Crisp Quotes
Veronica: In a couple of hours we're presenting Jabberwocky to the entire division.
Ted: What? Why'd you agree to that?
Veronica: Oh, really, Ted, is that your strategy, let's make this Veronica's fault?
Ted: You're the only person I told.
Veronica: Wow. It is your strategy. That is so thin.
Oh, man, this lie has spread like mayonnaise at a Baptist picnic.
Ted: The company has classified this as confidential.
Linda: But it's a good thing. Why does it need to be confidential?
Ted: Because, uh, if only bad things were confidential, then every time they labeled something as "confidential," people would know it was bad.
Linda: That's weird.
Ted: I know. Then don't do it.
Veronica: There is no program to green the building.
Ted: Yeah there is. They made a commercial about it.
Veronica: I didn't say there wasn't a commercial about greening the building. I said there is no program to green the building.
Ted: So it's all a lie?
Veronica: They prefer to look at it as a dream.
Ted: But one they're not working towards?
Veronica: Are you working toward all your dreams, Ted? Then stop pointing fingers.
So how did I get here? Because I like a girl, specifically this girl. And like so many stories about a girl, this one starts with gunplay.
Ted: Hmm. Tased flesh smells bacon-y.
Veronica: Now I'm hungry.
Veronica: How could he do this? And after I let him use me like a sunset.
Ted: Well, you better take his picture down. Maybe put it in your drawer next to the one of you and Saddam Hussein riding that tandem bike.
Veronica: Yeah. That was before he got weird.
Veronica: Jeffrey Bouchard.
Ted: Another engineer. There's a picture of you two on your office wall.
Veronica: People always want to have their pictures taken with me, Ted. I'm like a sunset.
Veronica: Children... so adorable. In a way, they're like people.
Ted: Yes, that's why there's a taboo about eating them.
Rose: Pretty sure it was Paul Spielman.
Veronica: Oh, my God. Not Paul Spielman.
Ted: You have no idea who Paul Spielman is.
Veronica: Not even a little.
Ted: He's one of our department's best engineers.
Veronica: And they're just gonna throw him out on the street with no consideration for how weak that's going to make me look.
Ted: Paul might not like it either, you know, 'cause he's got four kids.
Veronica: Fine, I'm insensitive. I can live with that.
Ted: We can have one conversation with Rose. Gently.
Veronica: Fine. Let's get her up here, crack her open like a lobster claw, and scoop out her sweet white meat of information. Gently.
Ted: I know you don't like to eat children, but it's that kind of talk and your cottage in the woods made of candy that keeps those rumors alive.
Ted: Honey, there's nobody at the company named Larry Pancake or anybody else named after food.
Rose: What about Taco Tony in the cafeteria?
Ted: Well, that was just a nickname, and we don't call him that anymore. When he moved to the salad bar, it just sounded racist.
