Ted Crisp Quotes
While Lem and Phil are looking for a more permanent solution, I'm just trying to keep my office from looking like a girl I used to date. It's a long story, but yes, she looked like a desk with hair
Lem: But what about protocol?
Ted: Forget protocol. Did Einstein stop to fill out paperwork before discovering his Theory of Relativity?
Phil: Actually, he was a patent clerk, so all he did was fill out paperwork
My father and I hardly speak. We are like oil and... what's that thing that's always disappointing oil? Oh, yeah, it's me
Veronica: Ooh, flowers.
Ted: Look at you, having a girlie moment.
Veronica: Crap on a cracker!
Ted: And she's back.
Ted: Veronica, quick question.
Veronica: What is it with everyone and their questions this morning? Where'd you learn to drive? Will you marry me? Why'd you say that to my baby?
Veronica: I confiscated this a few months ago from Dewey the security guard. He had dozens of employee sex tapes like that.
Ted: Dewey? Damn. That's the first person I've ever met named Dewey I thought was normal.
Veronica: The quest continues
Ted: Don't you see what's happening? We are taking the only person here who has never compromised her ideals, and turning her into an ideal compromiser. And I don't mean an ideal compromiser, one who all the other compromisers look up to.
Veronica: I understand context, Ted.
Ted: She was our conscience. So now what are we gonna do?
Veronica: Gosh, you're right. How will we ever make the Fortune 500 list of the most moral companies? Oh wait, they don't have that
Linda: Hello, person who thinks I'm incompetent.
Ted: Hello, person who thinks I'm lying.
Dr. Bhamba: I'm incompetent and a liar. I don't get a hello?
Linda: You know, my cousin uses the wheelchair you guys invented, the ones that climb stairs.
Ted: You know, it was my idea to give them brakes. You should have seen those suckers barreling downstairs
Ted: With the public's trust at stake, we all gave depositions. Veronica had done it before and so knew just what to say... or how little to say.
Female Lawyer: Were you involved in the development of this product?
Veronica: Yes.
Female Lawyer: And how would you summarize the company's reaction when they found out that the women who used this product were savagely attacked by insects?
Veronica: Ouch.
Female Lawyer: Will you elaborate on that, please?
Veronica: No.
Female Lawyer: Can you describe your job?
Veronica: Yes.
Female Lawyer: How would you describe your job?
Veronica: Cleverly
Veronica: So we're all gonna have to give depositions and say we didn't know this could happen.
Ted: But we didn't know it could happen.
Veronica: Good. That sounds very truthful.
Ted: Because we didn't know
Veronica: That one wasn't as good.
Ted: But we didn't.
Veronica: There you go. That's the one.
Ted: Veronica!
Veronica: I'd leave my name out of it
Veronica: Remember that perfume your team developed about a year ago? In 3 out of 5,000 women, it reacts with their body chemistry and attracts hornets who want to mate with them.
Ted: And when the hornets realize they've been deceived, do they just laugh it off?
Veronica: If by "laugh" you mean sting over and over again in endless waves of fury, then yes, they have a wonderful sense of humor
