Ted Crisp Quotes
Linda: I may have a whole new career entertaining children instead of working for a place that uses them to assemble munitions.
Ted: Boy, who's gonna judge us when you're gone?
Linda: Hey there, Bloopity-Bloo.
Ted: Bloopity-Bloo?
Linda: It's a nickname I came up with for you, right off the top of my head.
Ted: Hmm, so what made you get high before work this morning?
Ted: What's going on with you and this baby thing, anyway?
Veronica: My stupid sister popped out another one. And I held it, and it smelled really good. It was soft and squishy, and for the briefest second, I didn't want to give it back. Part of that was because I don't like my sister having things I don't have. But part of it was something else.
Ted: We have a scientist problem.
Veronica: God. I can't wait until they invent their own replacements.
Lem: I'm so weak. How can I ever look my sperm in the eye?
Ted: Oh, at least you didn't lie to your sperm about being an Indian.
Lem: No, I did not. But once when I was a teenager, I did abandon it at a bus stop.
Phil: Turns out the entire Myman family line is worthless. We have been hated throughout history. The English hunted Mymans for sport. The French used us as building materials. The Russians had an expression: "As useless as a stack of Mymans.
Ted: Well, what about this medieval sect of warriors. "The Screaming Mymans"--that sounds promising.
Phil: They weren't warriors. The Crusaders launched my ancestors over castle walls as ammunition.
Ted: The thing is, I want to keep seeing Danielle. I really like her.
Veronica: What's not to like? She gullible and slept with you on the first date. If her mom's not fat, I say throw a ring on it.
Danielle: Hi, I'm Danielle. The company feels very strongly that we should "whee..." have unprotected sex with each other.
Ted: Oh, you're that Danielle. You're, you're on my compatibility list. Yes, apparently we would make very cheap, durable children.
Ted: So to save money, the company is getting involved in people's sex lives? They may regret that, like when they tried to replace food in the cafeteria with food pellets.
Veronica: Unlike eating those pellets, this is not a mandate. Anything that starts with the word "whee" is just a fun suggestion. Like the Constitution and "Whee the People."
Ted: So, Veronica, the company wants genetically compatible employees to pair up? Is this the first step in trying to breed someone tall enough to change that light bulb in the lobby?
Veronica: Why do you think there's always some dark motive behind everything the company does? Did the corporation once touch you in a place that made you uncomfortable?
Ted: When they rolled back my pension, I definitely felt it between the cheeks.
Veronica: Okay, fine, this whole thing is about money. Happy now, Mr. Cynical?
Ted: Well, technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy. It's his power and his curse.
Ted: Phil, just because they use the word "whee" doesn't mean it's a good thing. Remember "Whee! It's Pension Rollbacks"?
Phil: Oh, actually that was fun.. until they rolled back our pensions.
"Whee... Love is in the Air." Well, gee, genetic engineering is romantic. That's why it's so often used as a prom theme.
