NCIS
Mondays 9:00 PM on CBSTim McGee Quotes
(Tony introduces Nick Miller, the boy whole charged McGee's credit card illegally)
Tony: Tim McGee, meet Tim McGee.
Nick: 'Sup dude.
McGee: Hello. (Looks at Tony) I don't get it.
Tony: Well, Tim, there are two kinds of identity thieves. There's the kind you never know and there's the kind that knows you so well that they're aware you're not home from 7am to 10pm.
McGee (To Nick) You're Mrs Miller's kid right? Nick?
Ziva: Who is Mrs Miller?
Tony: It's McGee's landlady, holder of the keys. She also has a bad back.
Ziva: Oh.
McGee: It was you! You stole my identity, you sent me an inflatable girlfriend! You know I'm down almost ten grand!
Nick: Dude, it's fraud and you're only liable for like... fifty bucks.
Tony: Yeah dude.
McGee: (To Nick) Why? Why are you doing this to me?
Nick: You're always doing the same thing. Go to work, come home, go to work again. You even order the same take-out food every single night.
McGee: Not every night.
Nick: Dude, yes! You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.
(McGee looks at Tony who starts laughing)
Tony: You're welcome.
McGee: Since when did banks become so evil?
Tony: Since about the 12th century.
(Ziva laughs)
McGee: Not a hacker, either.
Ziva: How do you know?
McGee: My firewall hasn't been penetrated.
Tony: Lubricant helps, but everybody has dry spots.
(Ziva laughs)
McGee: It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!
Tony: Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.
McGee: What's your point?
Tony: My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?
McGee: Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.
Tony: Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)
(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)
McGee: Erm...real funny, Tony.
Tony: (Laughs) You think I did this?
Ziva: I would not put it past you.
Tony: Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.
McGee: The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some kind of mistake.
Ziva: I would cancel your credit card.
McGee: Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.
Tony: Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck...
(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know that.
(Gibbs walks in on Tony and McGee with the blow-up doll)
Tony: Morning, Boss!
McGee: This isn't what it looks like, Boss.
Gibbs: Well, what is it, Tim?
McGee: Erm...a joke...I think. A really bad, practical joke.
Gibbs: I'm not laughing. (Gibbs turns and heads for his desk) Lose your gal-pal. (To everyone) Grab your gear. Got a dead Marine in Springfield.
(McGee tries effortlessly to hide the blow-up doll as the rest of the team head for the elevator)
(Tony, McGee and Nick enter the elevator)
McGee: You know you still owe me that fifty bucks.
Nick: Talk to my mom, bro.
(Tony is staring at Ziva's desk wondering where she might be)
McGee: So... where is she?
Tony: Who?
McGee: Tony, Ziva's been gone since Thursday.
Tony: Oh... yes, Ziva! Actually, I hadn't noticed.
McGee: You are lying.
Tony: McGoo, unlike you, I have better things to do than to obsess over the whereabouts of our "Little Miss Fancy-Pants", Ziva.
Magnus: Morning.
(Tony turns to face Magnus wondering who it might be)
Magnus: Gorgeous day.
Tony: It's 27 degrees out. Who are you?
Magnus: My name is Magnus. I'm meeting with Dr. Mallard.
Tony: (Turning to McGee) Is Ducky in the pond yet, McGee?
McGee: (To Magnus) I haven't seen him, you're welcome to wait here though if you'd like?
Magnus: If you don't mind, I'd... I'd like to wait in autopsy.
Tony: (Laughs) You sure? It smells funny.
Magnus: Well that's, er, that's a matter of opinion.
Tony: It's a matter of dead bodies. Stinky!
(Ziva, Tony and McGee are discussing Ziva's vacation with her elusive boyfriend)
McGee: So when do we get to meet him? And please tell us his name!
Tony: Oh no! Please, let me guess. Zeus? Er...Thor?
Ziva: His name is Ray.
Tony: Ray! What a nice little name! Ray, like Ray Crocker, Ray Charles, Sugar Ray...
Ziva: Erm...I promise you, Ray is a good man.
(Tony smiles at her jokingly before he realises she is being serious)
McGee: The last time you did my expense report for me, you reclassified my meals as 'livestock feed'!
Tony: Well, that was childish.
McGee: I was audited!
Tony: Well, that makes us even.
Tony: Agent McGee, probationary agent to be good morning.
Ziva: Looks like Tony.
McGee: Doesn't sound like him.
