Better Off Ted Quotes
Veronica [to Rose]: Muss up his hair, it's the source of all his power.
Ted: Oh, no! Not the hair!
Veronica: Now smash him with the phone. (they stare) Why will no one in this building ever smash anyone with a phone?
Erica: Gosh, Ted, it's like you were poured into that suit.
Ted: And part of me is still hardening.
My God, Ted, you don't tell a man like Mordor to be less passionate. It's like telling Gandhi to be less... whatever he was. Thin.
Veronica
Of course it was an accident. Although, the man was cheating on me, and my subconscious is very protective, and sometimes kind of a douche.
Veronica
God, you people are paranoid. No wonder the company has to secretly manipulate you.
Veronica
Oh, don't be that guy who points fingers. No one likes a pointer. Even in the dog world, they're seen as insufferable.
Linda
Linda: What did you say to Mordor?
Ted: I did not tell him to have sex with Veronica while she's sleeping. Why? What did he do?
Linda: I walked into the supply closet, and he was in there with Ashley from Accounting. And they were not looking for supplies. Unless she uses her ya-ha to store office supplies and he uses his yang-doodle to look for things. That's what my mom calls it.
Ted: This... this is about Veronica. See, she has a very high-pressure job. And she does it with 100% focus.
Mordor: Oh, she's the same in bed. Or when dismembering a goat.
Ted: Right. So you and the other animals have seen it.
Phil: Wow. Can you imagine how great it would be to just take Veronica out in the middle of the day and have lunch with her?
Lem: You should try to aim higher for your fantasies.
Linda: God, you'd be hard to go out with.
Ted: Hey, I am fantastic to go out with. I'm... I'm thoughtful as a man can be, while still pillaging like a Viking in the bedroom. But I am not getting involved in Veronica's personal life.
Linda: So my boss gets to have all the sex-fun of a relationship, while all the stress of being exhausted trickles down to me? Man, capitalism blows.
Linda: Whenever I have sex, I have to be alert the next day so I don't make mistakes. I have to be alert during sex so I don't make mistakes. Basically, I always have to be alert.
Ted: Is it possible to make mistakes during a sex, for a woman to make mistakes during sex?
I know I've been distracted lately, but I'll be fine. I'm just living an exciting and full life--burning the candle at both ends. The way my great-grandfather, a misunderstood candlemaker, insisted candles should be burned.
Veronica
