Better Off Ted Quotes
Stella: What will people do without a helmet that feeds them cheeseburgers or a remote control for their underpants?
Lem: We're not making a cheeseburger helmet. They pulled the plug after it fed one of the test subjects to death.
Lem: Mommy?
Stella: Hello, sweetheart. How was your day at the crap factory?
Lem: You know, sometimes I feel that you judge what I do.
Ted: I'm saying, can't we just let this one go? It wouldn't be the first time we didn't hire a brilliant scientist because someone at the company would be upset. Remember Bob Hitler?
Veronica: No, I forgot the scientist named Hitler. Okay, fine, we won't go after Lem's mom. But this would be easier to sell upstairs if someone named Clifton had bombed the hell out of London.
Ted: And I can't get enough of the company's love.
Linda: Maybe you and the company should spend a weekend in wine country together, share a couple of bottles one evening, maybe convince it not to wear panties to dinner. [walks away]
Veronica: You should jump on that, Ted, before the crazy outweighs the hot.
Gentlemen, when you fight like that, manhood weeps.
The potential for a long-lasting light bulb is enormous. In a recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third, right after hitting things and trying to have sex with things.
No, no, it was a good thing. He saw me as a threat. I'm a scientist, Lem. I've been a threat to humanity, the environment, even Jupiter once. But never new to a hot girl's boyfriend.
Phil
Rose: I have an opinion about that.
Ted: Well, it's not up to you, honey. When you call the shots, we end up buying boats.
Rose: A boat. One time.
Ted: $140,000.
Rose: I think we're done here.
Linda: Well, have fun, you two. Don't do anything I wouldn't do! (whispers to Rebecca) There's nothing I wouldn't do.
Rebecca: I know. I was your roommate.
Veronica: You have to be smart to be an assistant. You have to be totally in sync with your magician. Know when to pull the wire, slip him the key, ice his nipples.
Ted: Well, after meeting Kristi, looks like Mordor's gonna have to pick a lock with flaccid nipples.
I'm thinking confidence may be one of those things people can't tell if you really have, or are just pretending to have, like the female orgasm.
Phil
I'm sorry, I won't call Veronica. She sawed my heart in half, and it wasn't one of those plastic hearts that come in two pieces in the kit with a pair of fake legs. Damn it. I keep telling people how my tricks are done.
Mordor
