We can put him back together. I fixed my marriage with mechanical attachments, I can fix this.


I don't want to lose this job. What am I supposed to do, go back to Wisconsin and work in the cheese mine? After I made that big speech, threw down my cheese shovel, and stormed out?


I don't like other ladies' breasts. Some days I don't even like my own breasts. Although mostly they're awesome.


Veronica: Great news! You both have a disease.
Ted: You would be a terrible doctor.

I feel like my heart has been kicked in the testicles.


Where'd they take him, you son of a bitch!? I mean, my immediate superior.


Veronica: Sheila claims you propositioned her for a threesome.
Ted: Veronica, I work full-time and I have a eight-year-old daughter. I don't even have the energy for a onesome.

Linda: Relax, Sheila. Don't fight it.
Ted: "Don't fight it?"
Linda: Hindsight is 20-20, Mr. "I never accidentally fondled anyone."
Ted: I don't think the words "don't fight it" have ever been used when someone isn't being sexually harassed.

That doesn't sound so sexual. It's just a hug that drifted... booberily.

We are not sleazy. Our department is more like a hard-working squirrel, stuffing its nuts in... wait. We're more like a hard-working beaver... ah, I'm not going to land this metaphor.

Veronica: We've having a problem with some of those people who live in the cubicles.
Ted: Look, they don't live in the... You know what? I'm not going to explain this to you again.

Ted: What do you need, Veronica?
Veronica: We have a problem. It's about sexual... (looks at Rose) It's about sexual H-A-R-assment.
Ted: Ummm, well, I appreciate you not letting my daughter here the "har" part of that. But why don't we discuss it later?
Rose: By the way, I'm eight. I know how to spell.
Veronica: Never show your hand, sweetie. Always let the enemy underestimate you. Then when their guard's down, smash them with a phone.

Better Off Ted Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things


Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie