Doing a bunch of little things right doesn’t cancel out the big thing you did wrong.


Eliza: Did you know that lips are technically a mucous membrane and not skin?
Timmy: Huh, I did not know that or want to.

I’m looking for a movie about a pig, but not Babe. It’s too big a city.


The solar storm is real. It’s why China built a second sun.


This is Y2K all over again. They said the computers would shut down, so my dad panicked and printed out all his porn. Nothing happened except I had to use the other side of that porn to print out my essay on Gatsby.


Never underestimate nostalgia. Nothing thrills people more than knowing their memory still works.


I thought you died, or worse, hated me.


I’m Tad from Ohio. I’m a Scorpio.

Tad from Ohio

Touch my puzzle again, and I’ll kick your lurking ass to the Walmart parking lot you were born in.


Percy: Are smoothies canceled? Did Gary over at Smoothie Sips get caught up in another animals-riding-unicycles scandal?
Connie: Again? Those poor raccoons.

Do you guys know if we have a fax machine, or what a fax machine is?


Connie: Lucky for you, you’re working with Connie Serrano, puzzle queen, PhD.
Hannah: Wow, I didn’t realize I was in the presence of a queen and a doctor.

Blockbuster Quotes

Eliza: What you need is to grow up.
Tim: What? I’m hella grown up.

I’d love to work with animals, but it’s tough with the language barrier.