Amy: The greatest thing that could ever happen has just happened.
Jake: The girl who beat you for high school valedictorian died?

• Permalink: The girl who beat you for high school valedictorian died?
• Rating: Unrated

I don't wanna be a jerk, I know you're dating Teddy and it's going really well.

Jake

• Permalink: I don't wanna be a jerk, I know you're dating Teddy and it's going really well.
• Rating: Unrated

This whole place reeks of bacon. Well guess what? I'm going kosher. Cause Jakey don't dig on swine!

Jake

• Permalink: This whole place reeks of bacon. Well guess what? I'm going kosher. Cause Jakey don't dig on...
• Rating: Unrated

I agree - with the stuff about the drill, not the spineless ass-kissing.

Rosa

• Permalink: I agree - with the stuff about the drill, not the spineless ass-kissing.
• Rating: Unrated

The last lady I went out with burst into tears when I told her I was a Gemini.

Jake

• Permalink: The last lady I went out with burst into tears when I told her I was a Gemini.
• Rating: Unrated

No waiting, just toasting. I want you to toast, now I wanna eat toast, gimme some toast!

Terry

• Permalink: No waiting, just toasting. I want you to toast, now I wanna eat toast, gimme some toast!
• Rating: Unrated

How did you manage to step on both of my feet at the same time

Jake

• Permalink: How did you manage to step on both of my feet at the same time
• Rating: Unrated

Amy: What was your worst date ever?
Jake: I think it's like a 50-way tie.

• Permalink: I think it's like a 50-way tie.
• Rating: Unrated

Vivian is my fiancee. My ex-fiancee. My never-wife.

Charles

• Permalink: Vivian is my fiancee. My ex-fiancee. My never-wife.
• Rating: Unrated

Permission to go to the bathroom?
Jake. Granted. First of three. Use them wisely.

Amy

• Permalink: Permission to go to the bathroom? Jake. Granted. First of three. Use them wisely.
• Rating: Unrated

I’m sorry – I just get so emotional when I talk about how bogus Thanksgiving is

Jake

• Permalink: I’m sorry – I just get so emotional when I talk about how bogus Thanksgiving is
• Rating: Unrated

Santiago: Pretty hungover?
Peralta: Shhhhh...turn off your mouth siren...

• Permalink: Shhhhh...turn off your mouth siren...
• Rating: Unrated