Holt: I've been stripped of my accomplishments and lost the respect of everyone in my life, including my dog.
Jake: Cheddar? No.
Holt: Yes. Now, he only poops for Kevin.

• Permalink: Yes. Now, he only poops for Kevin.
• Rating: Unrated

Jake: Boyle, gather everyone up.
Charles: Oo, we starting a burn book about Holt? Let's drag him baby!

• Permalink: Oo, we starting a burn book about Holt? Let's drag him baby!
• Rating: Unrated

I was the first female Asian-American captain in the NYPD. My guilty pleasure is charity work, and what do I do for fun? Well, basically just design and build skateparks for marginalized communities.

Captain Kim

• Permalink: I was the first female Asian-American captain in the NYPD. My guilty pleasure is charity...
• Rating: Unrated

Terry: Working with the FBI? That's your dream job, Jake!
Jake: First of all, my dream job is spy, falsely accused of betraying his country, forced to work alone to clear his name by taking down the mysterious organization that framed him, known only as Shade.

• Permalink: First of all, my dream job is spy, falsely accused of betraying his country, forced to work...
• Rating: Unrated

Charles: What's up guys? Why are we standing around outside?
Jake: Is your walk different? Are you strutting?
Charles: I don't know what you're talking about. This is how I always walk, bitch.

• Permalink: I don't know what you're talking about. This is how I always walk, bitch.
• Rating: Unrated

Jake: Come on, Holt. Let's shake this narc.
Amy: That's right I am a NARC. A Nationally Accredited and Registered Chaperone!

• Permalink: That's right I am a NARC. A Nationally Accredited and Registered Chaperone!
• Rating: Unrated

We may be arguing, but we're all thinking the same thing. Terry talks about his children too much.

Holt

• Permalink: We may be arguing, but we're all thinking the same thing. Terry talks about his children too...
• Rating: Unrated

Pimento: Where am I? What is that table?
Jake: Calm down, you're at the Nine-Nine and you know what a table is.

• Permalink: Calm down, you're at the Nine-Nine and you know what a table is.
• Rating: Unrated

Terry: You are a good cop, with a great attitude!
Rosa: I don't like this.

• Permalink: I don't like this.
• Rating: Unrated

Holt: Count me in. I could really use this day off to spend some time with my husband.
Rosa: Please, we all have loved ones. You're not getting any sympathy 'cause you're gay.
Jake: Rosa, I don't think he was--
Holt: No I was. She saw right through me.

• Permalink: No I was. She saw right through me.
• Rating: Unrated

Charles: It's my time to shine. It's my Greatest Showman moment.
Jake: Charles, you can't.
Charles: You know who else they told you can't? Lettie Lutz, bearded lady. Then Mr. Barnum gave her a stage. Give me my stage, Jacob.
Jake: Wait, so you're the bearded lady?
Charles: No, I'm Barnum, you're Zac Efron and everyone else is one of my freaks!

• Permalink: No, I'm Barnum, you're Zac Efron and everyone else is one of my freaks!
• Rating: Unrated

Charles: Debbie, I was once like you. A bashful beat cop with long, curly hair and no confidence at all.
Debbie: That's impossible. You're so suave.

• Permalink: That's impossible. You're so suave.
• Rating: Unrated