Auctioneer: We'll open this auction with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagemire: Fifty bucks!
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks!

• Permalink: We'll open this auction with this pair of panties confiscated fr...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes

• Permalink: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract? Um, ...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Jake [pointing to fat Peter]: What's that, daddy?
Tom Tucker: Why that's Mercury, Jake, the planet closest to the sun. Though what it's doing down here by the waterfront, I haven't the foggiest. We should probably ask a scientist...
Peter: I'm a guy, you jackass

• Permalink: What's that, daddy? Why that's Mercury, Jake, the planet close...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Peter: Hey, what the hell are you doing in my house?
New Owner: Your house? This is my house, my wife and I bought it from the bank.
Peter: But I've still got another day to pay back the loan.
New Owner: The bank said it wouldn't matter because you're a fat dead-beat loser.
Peter: Fat dead-beat loser? Well sir, while I may not agree with what you say I'll defend to the death your right to say it

• Permalink: Hey, what the hell are you doing in my house? Your house? This...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Joe: I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first.
Cleveland: I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul.
Peter: I heard one of Shannon Doherty's eyes is off center because it's trying to escape

• Permalink: I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts fir...
• Added: October 14, 2009