Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 8 Episode 6: "Quagmire's Baby" Quotes
rian: I, uh, don't suppose you'd consider making one of those for me, would ya?
Stewie: [Sly laugh] Maybe! What would you be willing to do for me?
Brian: Whatdya want?
Stewie: Take your index finger and your thumb, and lightly grip the base of your tail.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Lightly grip the base of your tail with your index finger and your thumb, and then slide your fingers up the length of your tail to the tip.
Brian: Why?
Stewie: Because that's what I asked you to do.
Brian: That's kinda weird. Is this some kinda sexual thing?
Stewie: Nobody said anything about sexual- there's nothing sexual about it. I'm just asking you to perform a simple task. [Slyly] Take your index finger and your thumb, and lightly grip the base of your tail, and run your fingers along the length of your tail.
Brian: You mean stroke it?
Stewie: [Defensively] Nobody used that word. This is not a stroking motion- this is a completely non-sexual thing I am asking you to do, in a completely non-sexual way. [Slyly] Squeeze the base of the tail lightly with your thumb and index finger, and then, while continuing to squeeze, run them up the length of your tail to the tip, and I'll make you a clone.
Brian: I only have to do it once?
Stewie: I'll tell you when to stop.
[Brian reaches for the back of the tail and slowly rubs along the length of the tail with his thumb and index finger, and then back again, then stops]
Stewie: [Laughs] I don't know why ya stoppin' nobody told you to stop!
[Brian resumes the rubbing his tail]
Stewie: Gimme a little smile.
[Brian flashes a fake smile while continuing to rub his tail]
Stewie: You're lips look a little dry, why don't you wet 'em a little bit?
[Brian, continuing to smile and rub his tail, then starts licking the outside of his lips]
Stewie: [Guffaws] Oh my God, you're so weird! Alright I'll make you a clone buddy
Joe: We shouldn't let this ruin our night, let's just enjoy the strippers.
Peter: I guess, I just hate how much that one gets into her work.
Stripper: You boys have been very naughty. I'm gonna have to assign you extra homework.
Peter: Fractions are so hard, what'd you get for number four?
Joe: She says don't share answers!
I'm not proud of this, but i'm gonna have to lick that up.
Brian [about puddle of clone]
Quagmire: How long you been in beauty school?
Candy: Two months.
Quagmire: Well tonight, we're doing facials!
Quagmire [reading note]: Glen, this is your child, next time wear a condom jerk. Oh my god!
Peter: Wait, hang on, there's no guarantee it's your baby.
Baby: Gigitty.
Quagmire: Ooh, I say that.
Stewie: It's healthier than what they ate in the fifties...
Customer: Steak and doughnut sandwich please.
Waiter: You want cigarettes on that sandwich?
Customer: What do I look like a Mary? Of course I want cigarettes.
Hey will you take me down to Baby Gap? I want to dress like a small douche.
Stewie
