Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 6 Episode 4: "Stewie Kills Lois" Quotes
Brian: Great. This is even a bigger waist of time then Ringo's songwriting.
(Cuts to a scene with Paul McCartney, George Harrison and John Lennon in a recording studio when Ringo Starr enters)
Ringo: Hey guys I wrote a song!
Paul: Oh thats great!
John: Oh good Ringo!
George: Fantastic!
Paul: (Takes the song) You know what? I'm gonna put it right here. (hangs it up on a refrigerator) Right on the refrigerator. That way we'll get to see it everyday.
Ringo: All right!
Quagmire: That fat bastard murdered Lois! That son of a bitch; he's a killer like Bernie Getz! You know, the killer from the eighties. I used to do a bit on him back when I did stand-up.
(Flashback to a younger Quagmire on a stage)
Quagmire: Ah, what else is in the news? Oh, oh Bernie Getz. D-Did you hear this? This guy Bernie Getz shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. Wouldn't mind having him when I go see my mother in law. (Microphone whines) No, but really, New York City's a great place to live...if you're a COCKROACH!
Man in Audience: You suck!!
Quagmire: (Sadly) I know.
Peter: You've got this all wrong. Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donell.
(cut to scene of a drunk God creating a person)
Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man.
God: And why not? I'm God.
Angel: Well what do you wanna do about the breasts?
God: Take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.
Joe: I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois. Did you get that right before the cruise?
Peter: Actually I got it one the cruise. Right after we had that big fight when I said 'I wish you were dead'. Right before I never saw her again.
Stewie: You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered.
Brian: What are you talking about? Lois's death was an accident.
Stewie: Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think.
Brian: What the hell are you - Stewie, did you kill Lois?
Stewie: Of course I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I just poop and fall asleep.
Brian: Oh my God. You did it. You actually did it.
(Stewie's head has spun half way around)
Stewie: Oh God, I really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that accupuncturist?
Brian: You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!
Stewie: Good luck proving that Brian. But seriously, get that number.
Brian: Well, I am going to expose you for what you are. No matter what it takes. You are gonna pay for this!
I did it! She's dead! (runs down the boat,laughing. He suddenly falls) Ow ow! (begins crying) Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! (realizes) Oh, yeah. That's right.
Chris: But I haven't seen Mom since she took me back-to-school shopping.
(cuts to living room. Joe is dressed like Lois with make-up and clothes)
Joe: So sweetie, you ready to go get some new notebooks and protractors and slacks?
Chris: I want blue jeans.
Joe: (yelling) You're getting SLACKS!
Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?
Foreman: We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
Peter: Oh no!
Bruce: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Chris: Oh No!
Kool-Aid Guy: (Crashes through courtroom wall) Oh yeaaaah!
(slowly backs out)
Judge: Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh no" in this courtroom? Cause the f***ing Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up. Thank you.
Prosecutor: Mr. Griffin, do you drink?
Peter: I plead the fifth of Jack. Haha, no, no I'm joking, yes I drink.
Prosecutor: And have you ever struck your wife?
Peter: Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride.
Prosecutor: Are you a violent man?
Peter: (rolling up his sleves) What are you, a wise guy? Cause I know how to deal with wise guys.
Prosecutor: No further questions.
Peter: You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat I'd shoot you.
Brian: Hey, where've you been?
Peter: I had another date.
Brian: You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would have wanted you to move on.
Peter: Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. My date was a stick figure.
(scene cuts to restaurant)
Peter: So...I...how would this work...in bed?
Stick Figure: Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.
Peter: That, uh, that sounds-
Stick Figure: Yes, it is very unpleasant.
(cuts back to house)
Peter: But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie.
(Scene cuts to the Swanson bedroom)
Bonnie: Peter, you don't know how bad I want this.
Peter: I don't know Bonnie, it's just a little weird, Joe's a friend of mine.
Bonnie: No, it's okay, I promise you, it's okay.
Peter: Ehh, I'm not sure.
(pause)
Joe: It's okay Peter.
(Stewie drags in a wagon full of weapons)
Brian: What are you doing?
Stewie: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me. When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her finger nails. Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed.
Brian: Okay.
Stewie: Then I'm going to make her crawl on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back.
Brian: Uh, and then what are you going to do?
Stewie: Uhh, let's see.
Brian: You gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?
Stewie: No, I'm gonna keep her filthy!
Brian: Yeah, she's been a bad girl
Stewie: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brazier.
Brian: (laughs)
Stewie: What?
Brian: No, no nothing, nothing. That's all part of your diabolical plan to...humiliate her.
Stewie: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated.
Brian: Maybe you'll handcuff her, she'll hate that.
Stewie: Then I shall do that as well.
Brian: And call her a bitch.
Stewie: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop.
Stewie: Yes, and then-- what?
Brian: No I mean that would like, t-- that would show her.
Stewie: Are y-? You're getting some kind of sick sexual thrill off of this aren't you?!
Brian: Who cares?! You're not gonna kill her anyway. You're gonna bitch and moan, and then you're gonna do what you always do. The minute Lois walks through that door you're gonna forget all about it, beg for your apple juice, go poop and fall asleep.
Ship Officer: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois: We are so sorry. Peter, what the hell do you thing you were doing?
Peter: Lois, it is called "the poop deck", that is why I pooped there.
Ship Officer: You're disgusting.
Peter: And you're misleading.
