Marriage Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother. Except somebody will be watching

• Permalink: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so tha...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Peter: Hey Lois, can you grab me a beer? Lois?
Chris: Dad, I think she went out.
Peter: Alright then you be Lois.
Chris: Okay.
Peter: Hey Lois, can you get me a be...oh my God, you've really let yourself go!
Chris: Well maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while!

• Permalink: Hey Lois, can you grab me a beer? Lois? Dad, I think she went ...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Peter: Ahh. Hey, waiter, that sign in the bathroom about washing your hands, that's only for the staff isn't it?
Waiter: Technically yes, but -
Peter: Great, thanks

• Permalink: Ahh. Hey, waiter, that sign in the bathroom about washing your h...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Stewie: UGH!! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago. Now you're just on vacation

• Permalink: UGH!! What the hell do you think you're doing?! I'm cleaning m...
• Added: October 14, 2009

There's a little girl stuck in that well. Unfortunately no one's arms are long enough to reach her except for that one guy, but he's helping that woman tickle a midget in a tree

Man

• Permalink: There's a little girl stuck in that well. Unfortunately no one's...
• Added: October 14, 2009

God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh god! I heard me! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Quagmire [thinks to self]

• Permalink: God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank...
• Added: October 14, 2009

C'mon, let's go drink 'til we can't feel feelings anymore

Peter

• Permalink: C'mon, let's go drink 'til we can't feel feelings anymore
• Added: October 14, 2009

Policeman: You were going sixty-five fella, that's ten miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand?
Stewie: We met on the internet.
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.
Brian: Officer, you ever hear of that super-industrial adhesive?
[The policeman turns to show another policeman stuck on his back]
Second Policeman: Actually, yes, we have

• Permalink: You were going sixty-five fella, that's ten miles over the... Wh...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Brian: The good news is the same company makes a solvent that'll get us unstuck. The bad news is it takes two weeks for delivery.
Stewie: You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight?
Brian: You can not tell Lois about this.
Stewie: Oh, and what if I do?
Brian: I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress.
Stewie: You said there was no film in that camera!

• Permalink: The good news is the same company makes a solvent that'll get us...
• Added: October 14, 2009