I married this 11 year old girl for all the wrong reasons.


Lois: Peter, this is ridiculous. We came all this way to take Chris home! Why are we staying?
Peter: Because I'm tired of being treated like crap at work. Don't you see what this means to me? I'm somebody here. Finally, a white man has an opportunity to be rich and in charge.

Karen: So, did you have a nice day?
Gary: It was okay.
Karen: You know our son got into your closet today.
Gary: Ah, okay.
Karen: Ah, anything, anything in there maybe that you wouldn't of wanted him to see?
Gary: No.
Karen: Really? You don't, have any dirty pictures in there?
Gary: No.
Karen: Uh, well how do you explain these? (Shows caveman porn).
Gary: So what? So I have some paintings.
Karen: Uh, this is how you want me to look?
Gary: Oh come on Karen, do you hate your body so much that you have to reduce every painting of the female form to pornography?
Karen: Don't do that Gary!
Gary: Don't do what?
Karen: Don't you do that!
Gary: Don't do what?
Karen: Don't make this my fault!
Gary: It is your fault. All I want to do is come home and have dinner. And have my wife say hello how's your day been? But oh no that's impossible for you.
Karen: You know what this is about?
Gary: What?
Karen: This about your disrespect for me, this family and everything we stand for!
Gary: Oh, oh what do we stand for, what do we stand for?! Who are we, the Goracks? Oh suddenly your Cynthia Gorack. That's what you want isn't it. You've always wanted to be Cynthia Gorack.
Karen: Ye, well you know what? At least Cynthia Gorack's husband cares for her family! Ah, I can't even talk to you when you're like this!
Gary: Oh, okay! It's over now because you say it is. Oh way to go Karen! You solve all our problems by just walking away. I mean it's so obvious I don't care about the family. I just killed a 700 pound tiger with a stick and a rock!
Karen: That doesn't make you a man Gary!
Gary: Here we go, here's act 2 of the performance. Karen pretends to leave home for the twentieth time. You know what Karen? Go, just go. I'm not going to stop you, just go! Get out, Get the hell out!
Karen: Screw you Gary!
Gary: Oh, maybe if you did that more often maybe I wouldn't need these paintings!

Lady Guinevere: Oh, Arthur, if you can remove this sword from it's stone, and prove that you are the true king of England, I will make love to you in this very field.
Arthur: What if I just move it a little? Will you touch me?

Coming up next, A pig who refuses to eat jews? After this.

Tom Tucker

Lois: Oh hunny, how was your day? Did you catch any fish?
Peter: No, but I caught this turtle; named him Terrence...then killed him and hollowed him out into an ash-tray for Stewie.

Cleveland: Good thing you packed so many blowup dolls, Quag... Quag... Quagmire.
Quagmire: Be careful. Even the tiniest prick can pop these things... giggedy.

Peter: Alright fellas, we've been out her for months and we all know that men have certain needs. And being that there's no women around, we're going to have to have an orgy. [cuts to them naked in a pile] Uh, anybody horny?
Quagmire: No.
Cleveland: No.
Joe: No.
Peter: Me neither! And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate you enthusiasm but I think you should stop.
Joe: Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this.
[cruise ship arrives]
Cruise Annnouncer: And if you look off the left side of the ship, you'll see a bunch of homosexuals (starts to speak Spanish). A la izquierdo del barco podemos ver los 'fanny bandits

Peter: I'm home!
Lois: Peter?!
Chris: Dad!
Meg: Daddy!
Stewie: What's your name? Is it Alan?

Peter: Oh guys, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Lois is the only woman for me.
Joe: Well it sounds like you've gotta find a way to win her back.
Quagmire: Yeah, like, like we could get her drunk and take turns having sex with her.
Peter: How would that help me?
Quagmire: Oh, help you? Oh oh, yeah yeah, then no... no then, then that wouldn't help you.

Peter: Hey, hey I got an idea. Let's play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one. I never slept with a woman with the lights on [Quagmire, Peter and Joe drink]
Joe: I'll go next. Uh, I never had sex with Cleveland's wife [Quagmire and Cleveland drink to this]
Peter: Alright let's see. Uh, I never did a chick in a Logan Airport bathroom [Quagmire drinks... cuts to a bunch of empty beers] God! Let's see, what else is there? Um, I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Quagmire: Oh god! [drinks]
Joe: I uh, I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on! [drinks
Peter: Uh, I never did the same thing, but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh god! This is ridiculous! [drinks and passes out]

Ah, Brian on a date hmm, that'd be more pathetic than that game of marco polo I played with Helen Keller.


Family Guy Season 4 Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off