Jess: Look, the crazy ballet teacher called and asked when Luke was getting back from the funeral, if I could unlock the door. I came down, I unlocked the door, then went back upstairs and back to sleep.
Rory: So you did do a little something.
Jess: I unlocked the door.
Rory: So that people could come in here and put this together. Nice.
Jess: Nice for them, not for me.
Rory: You facilitated it, you made it happen, so I guess that means that you're officially a part of our town now.
Jess: Hey, wait a minute.
Rory: Welcome.
Jess: I am not part of this town.
Rory: See you for some tree planting over at the Arbor Day Festival, buddy.
Jess: Yeah, well maybe I can knock over a liquor store while everyone else is planting those stupid trees.
Rory: As long as it's a liquor store in town, neighbor.

Jess: I'm in the middle of something.
Rory: Just assume that Jeanie is going to get Major Healy out of whatever scrape he's in.
Jess: Gee, thanks for spoiling it for me.

Lorelai: We're running out of coffee.
Luke: I'll make some more.
Lorelai: No, I got it.
Luke: Do you know how?
Lorelai: Do I... ugh... I am Cathy Coffee, mister, the bastard offspring of Mrs. Folger and Juan Valdez.

(Jess stumbles down the stairs)
Lorelai: Oh, you're very graceful.
Jess: She pushed me.
Rory: Sue me!
Jess: I could've broken my neck!
Rory: (hands him a pot) As long as it's not your arm, we need your arm.

(After Lorelai and Rory walk into the town meeting late.)
Taylor: You really have to work on your punctuality, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in half an hour ago.
Lorelai: Uh, dirty!

Kirk: I need some more Equal.
Lorelai: There's one right there.
Kirk: I need seven.
Lorelai: Seven? You're not squirreling these away in your pocket for home use, are you, Kirk?
Kirk: No, I use seven in my coffee.
Lorelai: Okay, good, then allow me. (pours seven Equal into his cup) There you go. Go ahead and give that a taste, see if it's to your liking.
Kirk: Okay. (takes sip, hesitates while he controls his reaction) Perfection.
Lorelai: Good.

(Emily enters the diner)
Lorelai: Eh. Good grief.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: Bad vibe sandwich just came in. You better retreat.

Kirk: (about Luke's uncle) He kicked my dog when I was a kid.
Sy: He hit on my wife repeatedly.
Kirk: Toto was always different after that.
Sy: My wife was much affected as well.

Lorelai: Face it, Luke. People like you.
Luke: Shut up.
Lorelai: And with charm like that, how could they resist.

Lorelai: It's repetitive.
Rory: And redundant.
Lorelai: It's repetitive.
Rory: And redundant.
Lorelai: We certainly are entertaining, Mac.
Rory: Indubitably, Tosh.

Kirk: Hello? How 'bout that coffee?
Lorelai: I got it.
Luke: Thanks.
Kirk: But, but mine's a quarter caf.
Lorelai: Huh?
Kirk: Three-fourths decaf, one-fourth caffeinated.
Lorelai: I four-fourths don't care.
Kirk: Fill it up.

Rory: Where should the poached eggs go?
Luke: Crank in the hat.
Sy: Hey, I'm not a crank! You're a crank, crank!
Rory: He is a crank.

Gilmore Girls Season 2 Quotes

Emily: (about Lorelai's shade of lipstick) That's a pretty color. What's it called?
Lorelai: "Vicious Trollop."
Emily: Now why do you say things like that? (Lorelai shows her the lipstick tube). Now why would you name a lipstick that?
Lorelai: Because "Dirty Whore" was taken.

Luke: Me? Raising a kid? I don't even like kids. They're always sticky like they've got jam on their hands. Even if there's no jam in the house, somehow, they've always got jam on their hands! I'm not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands!
Lorelai: First of all, Jess is 17 so I think he's probably pass the jam hands stage by now. Second of all, you can do this. If you want to you are totally capable.