I didn't vote for Obama because I didn't respect his March Madness bracket!


Are you back on the sweet and creamy?

Brad [to Max]

What's gonna be open on Christmas? A gas station, drug store, Israel?


Happy birthday Jane...and Jesus.


Max: You didn't like Ringling brother for brothers?
Brad: It would've been the greatest show on earf!

Jane: A summer birthday really matches my easy breezy vibe.
Dave: Easy breezy vibe? I thought you had more of a dead of winter, girl with the dragon tattoo, Sarsgaard Murderhouse vibe.

I still can't believe you lied to me about your birthday. I thought you were older than me. I thought I was married to a MILF. Now all those fantasies about her about being my dad's new wife, giving me a bath and swaddling me, don't make sense.

Brad [to Jane]

Jane and Alex's parents are going to sex camp.


Max: Hello this is not a foursome, you guys are totally fifth wheeling me!
Dave: C'mon man we're not fifth wheeling you, Joey Fatone.
Brad: Yeah you're still part of the group Sporty Spice.
Jane: You're our favorite character Roz from Frasier.

I'm always write about cornplay, I was wrong about Coldplay though, they're still huge.


Jane: Penny's happy so as her friend you should-
Max: - Probably be trying to break her and Pete up? Yeah I just don't know if that seems like me.

Alex: Always start with your high end meats, skip veggies they'll only fill you up with nonsense.
Mrs. Kerkovich: And?
Alex: Be sure to make sexual eye contact with the carver, your stomach will thank you.

Happy Endings Quotes

You're sweating on my bruschetta.

Jane [to Brad]

The weird part is, now that I have a guy, everybody wants to set me up. Oh I know Al! I should hook you up with one of my "extras."