Ryan: Can you believe our little boy is having a girl over? The next thing you know we are going to be doing the father/son dance at his wedding.
Kristin: Ryan stop. We are not allowed to be excited about this. He is growing up and we need to start treating him like it.
Ryan: I know, but it is so cool right?
Kristin: It is the coolest thing that has ever happened!

Mike: Just to let you know that really wasn’t me last night. I have a lot more attitude.
Jen: Well, just to let you know that wasn’t the real me last night either.
Mike: You know there is an American expression I love; a man’s home is his castle.
Jen: I prefer an ancient Chinese expression. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do it for him.

Mike: I am heading home. I am going to do a meet and greet with Vanessa and a foreign exchange student.
Chuck: Oh, this is priceless. Mike Baxter is hosting a foreign exchange student.
Mike: No, no, no, no. Vanessa invited them to come meet us and I am married to Vanessa.
Joe: Translation, when Vanessa says jump. Mike says how high?
Ed: When any of my wives wanted to do something that I was against, I said no, no, no.
Mike: Did you really?
Ed: Yep.
Mike: That is why you are in the divorce attorney’s hall of fame.

Vanessa: All I am asking is to have dinner with Jen and her dad so that we can meet them.
Mike: I am just not that interested in this.
Vanessa: Well I hear what you are saying, and I understand your concerns but no.
Mike: What do you mean no?
Vanessa: I want this, so I am overruling you.
Mike: You can do that?
Vanessa: I can. I am going to invite Jen and her dad here for dinner tomorrow night. You will be sweet and nonconfrontational. You won’t bring up things like snowflake, Benghazi or deflategate.

Mike: You're one of my best friends.
Chuck: How about that, Mike Baxter man of stone is a mushball. I didn't think we'd ever get you to say that.
Mike: Why did you say we?
Vanessa jumps out from hiding: Yes, yes, best prank ever! And I was the mastermind. Oh yeah! In your face!
Mike to Vanessa: You did this?
Chuck: No, we did this!
Vanessa: Last week I heard you on the phone with Joe setting up your fake prank on him, so you could actually prank Chuck. So, then I called Chuck to set up this real prank on you. Yeah, that is right. I am the prank queen.
Chuck: It was genius because what is the scariest thing to Mike Baxter?
Vanessa & Chuck in unison: Human emotion!

Female Cop: If you don't have ID then I am going to have to take you all in.
Mandy laughing: Wait a minute, this is not real. I told mom she was terrible at pranks and all of the sudden we are going to be taken in by a lady cop. Mom is totally trying to up her game.
Kyle: Yeah! Aren't you in Mrs. B's book club? The one who reads the least but drinks the most?
Ryan: Guys I think she might be a real cop?
Female Cop: I am!
Kristin: Her squad car certainly looks real.
Female Cop: It is.
Ryan: Are we going for a ride?
Female Cop: You are. You guys are about to be part of a whole new book club.

Chuck: Hey Baxter, I thought we were alone. There is something moving down there, and it is coming up the stairs.
Mike: Didn't we agree that we weren't going to prank each other?
Chuck: No, no, it is not a prank. Whatever it is, it is big and has a giant head.
Joe walks in: Hey guys what is up.
Mike: What are you doing here Joe. Everyone else left hours ago to go be with their families.
Joe: I am no going home. I hate Halloween.
Chuck: Really? I love it!
Joe: Yeah, you know who else loves it?
Mike: The kids?
Joe: Satan! I am serious. Demons and hellspawn get to freely roam the earth one night of the year, and I am supposed to open the door and give them a bonbon?

Vanessa: Stick around this might be the year I pull off the greatest prank ever!
Mandy: Oh, we can't. We are taking Kristin and Ryan to the creepy abandoned trailer Kyle inherited from his mom. We are having a seance.
Kyle: Yeah, I just hope we don't conjure up my mom. Even as a ghost, she will probably still ask for beer money.

You lost your father; you're girls are growing up, and now you're afraid you are going to lose your best friend.


Ed: They’re not just numbers on a spreadsheet. They’re people.
Mike: They’re our people.
Ed: If we sell, our people will be taken care of.
Mike: But for how long? I mean, I think Connor wants to keep that kid of his for a while. Same with Leslie and her house.
Ed: But if Arvo buys Outdoor Man, they’re still going to need our people.
Mike: Yeah, why don’t you tell that to all the people just laid off from Ted’s Tacklebox.
Ed: Yeah, well, you are right, Mike. I can’t throw all of these people to the wolves.
Mike: So, we’re not going to sell?
Ed: Won’t sell.
Mike: I think it is time we took a look at my proposal.
Ed: I have a proposal of my own. I am going to retire.
Mike: From what?
Ed: It’s time you took the reins, Mike.

Vanessa: Look Mike you like to kid around a lot and I know you are just trying to be funny with people.
Mike: Trying to be funny? A lot of people use my jokes I’ve heard them.
Vanessa: Well I am just saying that some people, not me or the kids or that waiter from last night but some people might think you were saying what you actually felt.
Mike: That is ridiculous what kind of moron would think that?

Mandy: Kyle, I thought you were going to hide these?
Kylie: I did. under the bed in a box marked. "nothing in here."
Vanessa: Oh, honey, I am so happy for you.
Mandy: Oh, mom, mom; I’m not pregnant. Kyle jumped the gun on the t-shirts.
Vanessa: Oh ok. So maybe you are trying?
Kyle: Like crazy!
Eve: Eww.
Mandy: Kyle!
Kyle: Sorry; I meant we’re mating.

Last Man Standing Quotes

Mike: How are you doing?
Ryan: I am good. You actually made me realize it is time to get serious and stop being a victim and take some control over my life.
Mike: See, you just needed a little push.
Ryan: So I am moving the family to Canada.
Vanessa: You're moving to Canada?
Ryan: Look I know it is kind of sudden, so please try not to overreact.
Vanessa: You're ripping my grandbaby from my arms!

Kyle: I am trying to DVR my favorite TV show but it is not on.
Vanessa: Oh, well maybe it got canceled. The TV business can be heartless.
Kyle: It didn't get canceled. Why would they cancel a popular TV show that everybody loves?
Mike: Maybe they're a bunch of idiots. Just try another channel.
Vanessa: Oh Mike, they don't just take a show off of one network and put it on another.
Kyle: Hey there it is! You were right Mr. B.
Mike: Is it me or is it way better on this network?