Joe: I can't wait to make a snow-person!
Jay: Person? We gotta get him out of that hippie school.
Manny: I don't know Jay, last report card he got straight dolphins.

Gloria: Jay, don't forget Joe's new doll.
Jay: Cam and Mitchell, always pushing their agenda.

Claire: Ruben again? He wore a Batman cape to the first day of high school.
Alex: You're really judging me right now when you look like a hooker at Comic-Con?

Cam: Well, technically this is your fault because we were afraid our marriage was getting as boring as yours.
Mitchell: Though based on your outfit, we need to work a little harder.

Mitchell: How about a show to go with it?
Cam: Mitchell?
Mitchell: Who's Mitchell? I'm Magic Mitch. Welder by day, stripper by choice.

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

Claire: You think maybe you're being a little hard on Luke?
Phil: We're his parents Claire, it's our job to keep him off the stripper pole.

We should be careful, this market might be a trick to get a whole bunch of white people together in one spot.

Mitchell

Phil: Well good morning Leonard.
Luke: Leonard?
Phil: I know it's not the well-behaved son Luke who'd never take our car out without a license and get arrested.

Jay: Why do I look so pale and sweaty?
Mitchell: Well, you're old and Irish.

Claire: You know Luke has failed that driver's test twice now right?
Mitchell: My options today are frat house, duck village, or car crash. I'm feeling very comfortable with my decision.

Claire: Phil, duck feed!
Phil: Hey, that's almost my name.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You can't have two fun parents... You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents.

Claire