You're all the porn I need.

Phil

I'm just a boy trying to bring style back to travel.

Manny

You know, when you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

Jay

Cameron: I remember once at a New Year's Eve party, stroke of midnight, he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high five. Two, gays don't high five.

Take it down a notch. We're just trying to make a friend not initiate a three-way.

Mitchell

If this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, I'm going to have a big problem.

Manny

I got scared because the cabinet didn't fall down.

Luke

Gloria: I'm pregnant.
Claire: You're gonna get so fat!

You're going to find somebody because you're an amazing girl Katie, you're the whole package, I just prefer someone who has one.

Cameron

She's being facetious...sarcastic...Dylan no stay!

Alex [to Haley]

If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.

Cameron

This whole thing is a colossal fog cue.

Jay

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.