You're all the porn I need.

Phil

I'm just a boy trying to bring style back to travel.

Manny

You know, when you get a massage, you sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

Jay

Cameron: I remember once at a New Year's Eve party, stroke of midnight, he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high five. Two, gays don't high five.

Take it down a notch. We're just trying to make a friend not initiate a three-way.

Mitchell

If this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, I'm going to have a big problem.

Manny

I got scared because the cabinet didn't fall down.

Luke

Sweetheart I would love to be wrong, but I don't live with the right people for that.

Claire

She's being facetious...sarcastic...Dylan no stay!

Alex [to Haley]

My gaydar is never wrong and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.

Mitchell

Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby. An English gentleman in town for a polo match.

Phil

Okay just because my uncle is clearly gay, doesn't mean he'd ever want your tacky pink tree. And frankly, we'd rather throw some lights on our coat rack than have to deal with knuckledraggers like you, today of all days...December 16th.

Alex

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.