Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!

Schmidt

I want to kill you...because I respect you. I think I understanding hunting!

Nick

An Indian-Jewish baby? Who wouldn't want that? Think about the bone structure!

Schmidt

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

Winston said you make fun of my gremlin toenails. That you call them clickety-clacks or centaur boots.

Schmidt

I'm about to go pay this fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!

Jess

I'm like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.

Schmidt

Schmidt: Would you line up around the corner if the iPhone was called "the slippery germ brick"?
Nick: Yeah, I probably would actually.

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man. And especially Nick. Nick is delicate. Like a flower.Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself"

Schmidt

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

My whole life is you.

Schmidt