At least I'm not 23, at least I own a trashcan, at least I can legally rent a car, at least I don't live in a loft with three...at least I live with you guys.

Jess

I've never been an inspiration before...I don't like this much responsibility.

Nick

Winston: They call me Prank Sinatra!
Nick: No, you call you Prank Sinatra!

If I had a dollar for every person I couldn't hang out with because they hate Schmidt, I'd be rich. Like fill my gas tank up all the way rich.

Nick

If you track my trajectory I'm gonna live to a 123 years old. Hello, Robot Sex.

Schmidt

I can't let you fluff me. I can't let you work in emotional porn! You have too much to offer.

Jess [to Nick]

This isn't a sex thing, is it? Because I can't build a dresser and pleasure a woman at the same time. I'm not God.

Sam

Nick: You can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a girl!
Jess: I deserve to have a shorty on the side!

Winston, you've been staring at this girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you're checking her out, otherwise you're a serial killer, which would explain a lot.

Schmidt

Jess: I don't want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?
Nick: Yeah, sure. I'm not doing anything today.

Winston: You, my friend, have become her fluffer.
Nick: Like in porn?
Winston: Her emotional fluffer!

If we make love later, and I tell you to pretend that I'm a scary ghost, are you gonna be weirded out by that?

Bearclaw

New Girl Quotes

I know this isn't gonna end well, but the middle part is gonna be awesome.

Nick

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach