Jess: Do you think Paul watches stuff like that?
Nick: Yep
Schmidt: All the time
Winston: He's probably watching it right now.

I saw your registry. I'm gonna get you one of those portable baby pumps. You're just out there, in everyday life. But you're pumping yourself at the same time, just milking away.

Schmidt

Are you like a Bond villain? You just told me your whole plan.

Schmidt

So head's up, Paul's coming tonight. And I just wanted to tell you that I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.

Jess

Nick: I'm not going to a black barber shop, Winston. I've seen the movies. I know how fast they talk. I don't need to seem any less cool than I already do.
Schmidt: Wanna go to my salon?

Oh yea, it's...your baby. It's cute. Yea, your baby's cute.

Nick

Hey tiger, you're having sex tonight. Don't give me that look, just do it!

Jess

It is not that hard. It is an instrument that a cat wears around its neck!

Winston

I don't care if it sounds like a man covered in bells falling down a set of stairs... that are also covered in bells.

Jess

I want friends who still lie to me because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.

Nick

Winston: Where are your eyes?
Students: On the tiger.

Nick: Do you know what this is Schmidt?
Schmidt: Yea, DOY, it's a SCISSOR...Yeah a scissor that you just threw in the TURDLET.

New Girl Quotes

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick