Shauna: OK, well, since we're, you know romantically involved, I won't print any of it
Anne: That's great, thank you so much
Mark: Well, you know I wouldn't say romantically involved... going forward
Anne: (rolling her eyes) Oh my god!

Leslie: When you travel, are you practicing social distancing?
Ron: I’ve been practicing social distancing since I was 4 years old. Why are you at work?
Leslie: Well, I shut down every national park in my jurisdiction -- sad but necessary. And then I volunteered for several committees to help us get through this.
Ron: Did you also create those committees?
Leslie: I did. So many committees Ron. I’m chairing all of them. It’s every girl’s dream, but you know, between that and the kids, I’m only getting two hours of sleep instead of my usual four. This morning I put oatmeal on my fingernails because I thought it was nail polish.

Uh, that was amazing. Someone needs to stop me before I accidentally say this was the best month of my life.


Donna: Tom, have you ever witnessed someone trying to teach a young group of children something?
Tom: Nope. Based on my experience playing Fortnite, children are terrifying and can make you cry almost immediately.
Donna: It’s terrible. The man is a saint. The job is impossible, and every teacher deserves a brand new Mercedes after all this, except for Joe, of course, ‘cause you know I already got him a Mercedes.

Ron: What are you wearing?
April: Andy and I put all of our stuff in garbage bags, and every day I put on the first five random things I pull out.
Ron: OK, where is Andy?
April: Andy, Ron’s on!
Andy: Hey, Ron.
Ron: Where are you son? Why are you in another room? Are you quarantining?
Andy: No, well kinda. I locked myself in the shed and can’t get out.
Ron: Why doesn’t April let you out?
Andy: Oh, Ron, Burt Macklin FBI does not need anyone to help him escape a measly shed.
Ron: How long you been in there?
Andy: Two days. I’m pretty hungry.

Johnny Karate: Listen, I know things are weird now. You’re at home. You miss school. How strange is that? You actually miss school. Your parents are home as well, and they’re trying to teach you, and it turns out they can’t teach you jack because they are so dumb. Well, kids, Johnny Karate wants you to know you must stay strong and be nice to your parents. Also, please wash them, wash your hands. And I know what you’re thinking: I’m a 38-year-old man, and I’ve literally never once washed my hands in my entire life.
Leslie: Andy, have you never washed your hands before?

Ben: The most incredible thing happened. OK, so today I’m cleaning the house and get dizzy from the cleaning supplies, and then I homeschool the kids -- but they don’t learn anything because of the dizziness. But then I had the most amazing idea. Do you remember this guy?
Leslie: Oh no.
Ben: Ah, but here’s the twist. Do you also remember this?
Leslie: Oh no, oh, no, no, no. Oh no, no, no.
Ben: Six words babe: Cones of Dunshire the Claymation movie. The entire story just popped into my head. This humble little nobody, living his life, walking around on a random Tuesday when suddenly he finds out from an ancient scroll that he is actually the Ledgerman.
Leslie: Honey, did you put all the caps back on the cleaning supplies?
Ben: Now, the title is either “Cones of Dunshire: The Ledgerman’s Ascent” or, of course, “Cones of Dunshire: The Curse of the Arbadoo’s Prophecy.”

Ann: Chris is donating blood four times a week.
Andy: Ah, good for you man. Who are you giving it to? Just kind of whoever wants it, trade with the Postmates guy kind of thing.
Ann: I used to date that guy.
Chris: Oh no, Andy, the CDC asked me to donate because I am extremely healthy. My red blood cells are so big, you can see them with the naked eye. They’re like cherry Froot Loops. And my blood type is just positive.
Ann: They’ve designated him a super healer. So far, it’s just Megan Rapinoe, him, and a panther at the Miami Zoo.

Leslie: Do you have someone you can talk to Joan?
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, a few years ago I accused Jennifer Lopez of stealing my look, and I got quite a back and forth with her attorney.
Leslie: No, friends Joan.
Joan Callamezzo: Look around. I’m surrounded by friends. Every night I do a show for them called “Joan on Joan for Joan.” I recount legendary Joan Callamezzo moments like how I scored by EGOT.
Ben: You have an EGOT?
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, I’ve been banned from all four ceremonies.

Leslie: This is the system. You got a better system?
Ron: Yes, we talk far less than that, or we just send each other a photo of ourselves holding up today’s newspaper to prove we’re OK.

Hi, my name’s Bobby Newport, and as you can see I’m in Switzerland at my family’s private hunting estate, but I haven’t caught any yet. They’re so fast. You get close, and it’s like, zoom, they’re gone.

Bobby Newport

You're in trouble because of your own stupidity.


Parks & Rec Quotes

Just remember every time you look up at the moon, I too will be looking at a moon. Not the same moon, obviously, that’s impossible.


April: You know what? I think men are better than women.
Ann: She's kidding.
April: No I'm not. They provide for us and we must obey them because they are our masters.