I was completely flustered, I came off like an idiot. I mean, at one point, for no reason, I just took off my shoes and held them in my hand.

Ben

Tammy: Guess I'll be heading home.

Ron: Catching the number twelve bus to Satan's butthole?

Tammy: Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville Station.

Ron: An hour ago an entire fireball consumed my entire face and it was far preferable to spending another second with you.
Tammy: Tell that to your pants tent.

Does the carpet match the face?

Tammy

Ron, are you mad at me? Because without eyebrows I can't really tell.

Jerry

I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.

Ron

I think if you would know one thing about me it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.

Ron

I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears.

Jean-Ralphio

Leslie: Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open.

Ben: Well, Maggy Thatcher, let me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship.

Ben: Show me Pelosi again.

Leslie: Okay, lay down.

Hello Leslie, how long have you been sleeping with Ben?

Ron

I made my money the old fashioned way. Getting run over by a Lexus.

Jean-Ralphio

Parks and Recreation Season 3 Quotes

Leslie: Yellow haired female... likes waffles and news.
Ann: Sexy, well-read blonde... loves the sweeter things in life.
Leslie: Much better.
Ann: Hobbies?
Leslie: Organizing my agenda. Wait, that doesn't sound fun...jammin' on my planner!
Ann: Favorite place?
Leslie: Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers, and I like to sit on a bench in front of it.
Ann: Really? It could be anywhere in the world: Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon...
Leslie: Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.
Ann: What about an actual meadow, where wildflowers are?
Leslie: Eww, Ann, I'm scared of bees, mural!
Ann: Okay, what do you think of dogs?
Leslie: Love!
Ann: Cats?
Leslie: Love!
Ann: Fish?
Leslie: Love!
Ann: Turtles?
Leslie: No opinion. They're condescending.
Ann: Describe your ideal man.
Leslie: He's dark and mysterious, and he can sing. And he plays the organ.
Ann: I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.

I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.

Ron