Asta: Are you listening to me?
Jay: This paper says you had a baby, and your baby was born on my exact birthday. It's fine. It's not like I didn't know I was adopted.

Jimmy: What the hell is he doing here? What? Is he your new boyfriend or something?
Asta: No!
Harry: No. I'm just here eating cake.
Jimmy: What? Are you her bodyguard now?
Asta: Harry.
Harry: I prefer ninja.
Asta: Harry, you don't have to do this. [to Jimmy] Just ignore him.
Harry: You shouldn't ignore ninjas.

D'Arcy: Um, what the fuck did you just say to me?
Harry: [internal] Oh no. Human men must not say mean things to women. If I don't apologize, she will know I'm an alien. [to D'Arcy] That was mean. I should not have said THAT. I am a man, human man, and you are smart, relative to our species. Goodbye.

Harry: OK Max. I'm going to give you a simple test. Which one of these people is me.
Max: You know I can't tell by this. If there were a picture of a gross alien or a dumb slug, I'd point to it.

Wait. If you're mommy, then who's daddy? It's not that dick, Jimmy, is it? [silence] Wow. I really won the lottery with that one, didn't I?


Harry: Humans lie. It's what they do.
Asta: Why?
Harry: Maybe they don't want people to know who they really are.

Isabelle: I'm very cross with you.
Harry: You sound like James Bond. [gritting his teeth to sound English] I'm very cross with you.

Isabelle: Since when have you got a job in Patience?
Harry: The town doctor was murdered, and now I am the town doctor because I am alive.

This is interesting. She's willing to send Jay away because she loves her not because she hates her.


I'm feeling attacked. I am snowflaking.


Isabelle: Well, dinner's over. What's next?
Harry: I can only think of one thing.
Isabelle: Hmm?
Harry: Scrub the pans before you leave.

Why is she still here? How am I supposed to get into my underwear and watch Jerry Orbach with that hot ham in my house?


Resident Alien Quotes

[after his first kiss with D'Arcy] Ah! It's rigor mortis! My penis is dying!


I am not alone up here. This is bad. I just felt my rear iris pucker and my testicles tighten. My taint remains unchanged.