What fresh hell is this?


If Dean Munsch gets her way, Kappa is going to be filled with fatties and ethnics. The fatties will bring their big ol' appetites and you know what those ethnics will bring with them? Weird spices from their home countries. That is a nuclear combination, Ms. B. The weird ethnic spices will send the fatties racing to the bathroom to blow liquid fire out of their huge, swollen bowels. Think of the splash back. Think of the undersides of all of the toilets that YOU'RE going to have to sanitize, Ms. B. I don't want that. I don't want that for you.


Chanel: She's dead.
Grace: Well of course she's dead, you just burned her face off!
Chanel: Shut up, you don't die from getting your face burned off.
Zayday: Yes you do!
Chanel: She probably had a heart attack.

Grace: You're an awful person.
Chanel: Maybe. But I'm rich and I'm pretty so it doesn't really matter.

Good evening, idiot hookers. I'm very happy to welcome you to Hell Week, here at Kappa house.


[to Grace] You're so confident without being mean. What anti-depressants are you on?


Dean Munsch: There was a time when a college dean had real power. The university was a kingdom unto itself, like a church in the Middle Ages. A student murdered, the Dean had the juice to keep the press quiet and the police from making a scene. But in the age of Twitter, students were Instagramming pictures of the crime scene and posting narcissistic Facebook posts about where they were when it happened before the police even arrived. I've got news for you, self-involved junior: Just because you know a guy who was in class with the dead girl's roommate does not mean that it could've been you. There's an exodus right now. Kids don't feel safe, parents don't want to take a chance, and the press is calling me Dean of Murder U. Well, not on my watch.

If someone is targeting you, they're going to find you wherever you are, y'know? At least if you're here, you can keep an eye out on each other. We can make it fun, huh? Like a Friends episode! But someone's, y'know, trying to murder all the friends.


Hester: Can I call you 'mom'?
Chanel: What?
Hester: Please? I feel so loved and protected by all of you.
Chanel: Wait, you wanna call all of us 'mom'? That's insane.
Chanel #5: And super confusing.
Chanel #3: Actually, it's a new pop culture term where young women, desperately in need of role models, call other girls they look up to 'mom.' Lorde's fans call her mom.

Chanel: She had a baby during a party and the sisters let her bleed out because they were having so much fun.
Grace: That is awful.
Chanel: I don't know. Supposedly it was a super fun party.

You're gonna be sorry. Nobody breaks up with Chad Radwell.


Shondelle!! Why you got a knife in your throat?!

Denise Hemphill

Scream Queens Quotes

Attention all useless Kappa Sluts -- Congratulations! If you're reading this, it means you've overcome the limitations of your tiny manatee brains and opened an email. Now if you're asking yourself 'Derrr, wait, I'm confused, is Chanel talking to ME? Am I a useless Kappa slut?' simply ask yourself the following question aloud. 'Is my name Chanel #3, Chanel #5, Chanel #6, or Zayday Williams?' If the answer to that is yes, then felicitations, this missive is for you!


Chanel #5: You have an amazing skill at telling people what they need to hear.
Chanel Oberlin: I'm sorry, did I ask you to pull down my panties and blow a compliment up my butt? Nobody likes a suck-up, Chanel #5.