Oh now, please don't take away the privilage of letting me pay you two hundred dollars an hour so that I can drag my ass in here and watch you nod. God knows the only other place I can get that on the planet is from my Brett Favre bobble-head doll.

Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: What do you say there Bob? How 'bout we do just like you do with Enid. Close our eyes, pretend we're with someone else and be done before Leno starts.
Dr. Kelso: Save the racket for the tennis court big guy. I have taken the liberty of filling out the form. All you have to do is sign below where it says "fit as a twenty-six year old."

Dr. Kelso: Perry! Hi. How are you, etcetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.
Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff. See you about twoish.

Carla: So, he just said he was gonna keep asking until I said yes.
Elliot: That was exactly how I lost my virginity. Except, I'm guessing Turk didn't propose in Jim Vilicetti's crawl-space.

Elliot: Listen up everybody! I appreciate solidarity, but I did not blow off Paul because he's a nurse; so, please stop leaving bedpans in my locker - it makes me cry. Paul and I are just...different, okay.
Carla: Please, Elliot, this is not about Paul... This is about you! This is about you not being able to commit, because committing means saying goodbye to whatever unfulfilled fantasy of love you've concocted after seeing too many Meg Ryan movies. But men don't come and make everything all better - they're only human. And you shouldn't punish him because you were forced to grow up so fast you never learned how to let someone else take care of you. He's not your father, okay, he's not necessarily gonna disappear at the first sign of trouble. And, as scary as it is to consider letting yourself be truly vulnerable with another human being, what's even scarier is that deep down inside you know you picked this man...and if you run away from him now, you'll be running away from being the kind of person you always wanted to be.
Elliot: Carla, I...just met the guy!

Turk: Baby, you know how much I care about you, right?
Carla: I'm dizzy.
Turk: Yeah, you're fine. Honey, I know it looked really bad last night, with me and Kevin coming home all liquored up with a really hot chick, but Kevin was freaking out about his divorce and I was just trying to be supportive.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, by dragging home some random bar skank.
Turk: Yeah, dude, you're not helping.
Dr. Cox: Not trying to help.

Turk: The point is, I have figured out why you're not ready to marry me yet. You think I'm too immature.
Carla: It's not about that.
Turk: Is it my sleep toots? 'Cause, Baby, I will stop having dairy after six.

Carla: Yes?
Turk: Woo-hoo! You said yes! We're getting married! We're getting married!
Carla: Turk. Stop celebrating - that's just how I answer the phone... Honey, it's only been ten minutes since we last talked...

Paul: Don't you hate it when people yap away on their cell phones.
Elliot: She is my friend... But she is so rude.
Paul: Hey, don't you work at the hospital, too?
Elliot: Yeah. Um... I actually just got off a double shift, that's... why I look so gross.
Paul: You don't look gross. And you know what? You don't even think you look gross. I'm guessing you're one of those girls who uses the self-deprecating thing as a defense mechanism; even though, without looking, you can tell right now how many guys are checking you out.
Elliot: Okay, five.
Paul: No, no. Actually, it's four - the guy in the mullet, he's checking me out. I let him buy my last two drinks.

Dr. Cox: Listen, Doctor, while we're on me, just for a second, uh, my very pregnant ex-wife would like me to take a couple of days off and travel to her mother's house so that we can reconnect as a family.
Shrink: And I assume that you told her to blow it out her ass.
Dr. Cox: You get me! Darn it, you do!
Shrink: Yes... We're like two peas in a horrible, horrible pod.

Dr. Cox: Anyway, I have invited a couple of my friends over to the apartment while she's gonna to be gone - we're gonna have some beers, watch the game, it's gonna be great - and I was wondering if you-
Shrink: I'm not your friend!
Dr. Cox: They're not, either

Laverne: Mm-hmm. Well, just run one of the other nurses down here with some bedpans, please.
Nurse: Laverne, why can't you do it?
Laverne: 'Cause I've been here for twenty-three years and my feet hurt, that's why.

Scrubs Season 2 Episode 15 Quotes

Janitor: How you doing.
J.D.: Did you just climb down an elevator shaft to torment me?
Janitor: Well, sometimes in life you gotta do what you gotta do.

Elliot: Paul. I know that I've been acting like an insecure idiot, but... if you'll forgive me, I'd love to take you for dinner tonight.
Paul: Screw that. I'll cook for you. I've only got one apron, though, so bring your own if you want to wear one.