So even though Dr. Mickhead actually delivered the kid, yours truly rang in the new year with grandma! We had sex... That's how I do it.


Turk: Kelso's got this new stupid outreach program where families are allowed to observe surgeries. Yesterday I had to do a bypass on this guy. You should have seen the family, standing there motionless, silently judging me. And today I gotta do a colectomy on that guy. What do you think his family is gonna be like?
Black Woman: There's a tumor in there! There's a tumor in there!
Guy: Ohh, don't go behind the kidney, brotha!
End fantasy
J.D.: Shhhh!
Turk: You didn't go to the black family yelling at the movie screen stereotype, did you?
J.D.: Like a bear to honey.

(On phone) Mabel, this is Bob Kelso. Uh, what's say we juggle some things and see if we can't free-ride Mr. Milligan financially for a while, okay?...Yes, this is really Bob Kelso!

Dr. Kelso

Tyler: Well, you know what I think is fun? Baseball.
Dr. Kelso: My son is a big baseball fan. Not so much playing it, but more the designing and sewing of uniforms.
Tyler: That's neat.
Dr. Kelso: No, it's not.

Elliot: So, uh...what do you want to be when you grow up?
Tyler: A baseball player.
Elliot: Yeah, well, I wanted to be a ballerina when I was little. But, according to my mom, six-year-olds with mild scoliosis and giant man-feet aren't dancer material. But the joke's on her, because I am currently waiting to hear if the Saint Martha's Community Theatre will let me work lights for their production of The Nutcracker.

Turk: I totally get it. Older ladies know how to work it!
Carla: Okay, see, now you're in a bit of a pickle because the older lady you're talking about better not be me, and it sure as hell better not be somebody else. So whatta you have to say?
Turk: Your favorite jeans are too tight and they look ridiculous!
Carla: What!?
Turk: Well, I-I'm in trouble anyway and it needed to be said!

J.D.'s Narraion: Despite my burning thighs, giving Turk that piggyback ride was worth it. Because I'm sure it put him in a great mood.
Turk: I'm in the worst mood.
J.D.'s Narration: Why did I do it!?

Dr. Wen: Well, it's official. Dr. Turk is now the fastest appendectomy in the hospital.
Turk: In your face, Dr. Beardface!
Dr. Beardface: It's Beardfac!

J.D.: They came back negative. I feel like we're missing something in his patient history.
Carla: When he came in, Mr. Milligan said that he and his son had been wrestling and goofing around.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, he just might have goof-arounditis.
J.D.: We should also check him for the silly-willies.

(J.D.'s words echo: "Think of your best moment in medicine...." ***FLASHBACK: ADMISSIONS*** Dr. Cox passes the time by tossing little wads of paper through a toy basketball hoop stuck over a waste basket. He's distracted by the sound of a patient in the waiting area choking).
Dr. Cox: Huh? (He rushes over, administering the Heimlich)
Dr. Cox: Come here. Here y'go.
(the object flies out of the man's mouth, and sails right into the mouth of a nearby sleeping woman. She begins choking, and Cox Heimlichs her)
Dr. Cox: Here y'go!
(the object flies out of her mouth and soars over to the wastebasket, circling the rim of the hoop and dropping in)
Dr. Cox: (raising arms) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Let's see anybody else make that shot! Huh? Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy! Who's your daddy?

Dr. Kelso: Looks like you have a case of the 3T's.
Turk: What's that?
Dr. Kelso: Tough Titties Turkelton

Dr Cox: Newbie, 1, 2, 3... 4. My new thing is to count just exactly how many people in any room can kick your ass. And in here, the number is four.
Carla: Five if you count Mrs. Cross. The other day, she went off her meds, sa-lammed him with a cafeteria tray!
J.D.: She came out of nowhere!

Scrubs Season 4 Episode 12 Quotes

Turk: Uh, hey, Elliot? Can I talk to you in private?
Elliot: Parlez-vous Franais?
Turk: You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France, but that was just stuff to pick up chicks.
Elliot(Translated): Turk, I really think it would make Tyler feel better if he could watch, OK?
Turk(Translated):I have... an... Eiffel Tower... in my pants.
Elliot: What?
Turk(Translated): Grapefruit!

All right, you guys, we still got a lot of work to do. Turk, why don't you go check the post-op films in radiology; and Carla will transfuse back to a hemoglobin ten; and Elliot, why don't you take Tyler and go get us all ice cream immediately.