Elliot: Doctor Cox! I pulled all the x-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night. Do whatever you want with me. Oh my God, that totally came out wrong I just meant I want you to use me and I don't care how degrading it is.
Dr. Cox: What?
Elliot: No, no, no, it's just that I know that you like torturing people and I am totally up for that. I just want to make you happy

Dr. Kelso: Doctor Dorian, I need a favor...
J.D.: Actually sir, I'm crazy-busy today.
Dr. Kelso: Well that's just fine then kiddo. I'm not going to be able to make the board meeting today - I'm going to be tied up all afternoon at Doctor Dorian's pity party. Should I bring something? Maybe I'll rent you a clown.
J.D.: A drunk clown hurt me once.
Dr. Kelso: Just listen to the damn lawyer. Go Todd.
Ted: Uhh it's Ted but hey-it's only been tweleve years. This morning one of the social workers that covers this hospital slipped and knocked herself unconscience. We're concerned that she might turn around and sue us. All the higher-ups heads could roll, haha.
Dr. Kelso: The point is that people are less likely to sue and institution if we can put a friendly face on it. You've got a friendly face.
J.D.: But sir I...
Dr. Kelso: Sacred Heart is calling for your help sport. Will you accept the call? Ring!
Ted: Ring!
Kelso: By the way, this is a special phone. If you don't answer it, you get to be the intern who does the physicals over at the state prison.
J.D.: Hello

Elliot: Look, Dr. Cox, you can trust me to help you. For gosh sakes, I was top five in my class!
Dr. Cox: Enggghhh! That's the noise I make when somebody lies to me.
Elliot: Okay! I was eighth, but I can do this! I'll get us this perfect -
Dr. Cox: Don't say it!
Elliot: ...perfect game!
Dr. Cox: What part of "don't say it" did you not understand? Was is the "don't"? Or was it the "say it"? Help me to help you, Barbie. Help me to help you; help me to help you; help me to help you

J.D.: Hey, do you know what Alex Hanson looks like?
Doug: He's okay.
Laverne: I don't know. I don't look at the ladies.
Dr. Kelso: Young man, I've been married for over three decades. I would've gone there, though; oh, yes, I would've.
Janitor: Who cares? No one'll ever love you.
Ted: I don't find her pretty; but since my wife left, when I look at a woman, I find it hard to see past the evil.

Carla: You want to know what she looks like...did she ask what you look like?
J.D.: No, she can tell I'm handsome. I have a husky voice: "Hellllooo, baby!"
Carla: Well, why don't you look into your heart and see how it feels?
J.D.: My heart hates uggos

J.D.: Oh. Look at that. Well, you should put it back down before someone slips and falls.
Janitor: Oh, is that what I should do. Good. Because I make most of my decisions based on your opinion. You know what, I'm thinking of splitting up with the wife - maybe you could mull that one over, get back to me? We can powwow?

Elliot: What opportunity?
Doug: No, shush, shush.
J.D.: Shut up! You see, in baseball, when a pitcher's really hot - no one talks to him, no one looks at him, you just stay out of his way!
Elliot: Why are you talking about baseball?
Dr. Cox: Because you should never jinx a pitcher when he has a chance to throw a perfect game! My GOD, Barbie, how do you put your bra and panties on in the morning?! All by yourself! It's remarkable!
J.D.: See, 'cause he's the pitcher-
Elliot: Yeah, I get it now!

Turk: What are you doing? When the lunch-lady asked "french fries", you said no.
Carla: Yeah...but I wanted french fries.
Turk: So why didn't you order fries?
Carla: 'Cause I can't have french fries. Duh!
Turk: Here. Have 'em all.
Carla: Wha-?
Turk: Have a fry salad.
(Turk dumps all his fries on Carla's plate and leaves)
Carla: Tu-what the? Turk? Baby, come on!
(Laverne walks past and grabs a fry off Carla's plate)
Laverne: Girlfriend, you know I can not have french fries

Carla: Mr. Davis; haven't seen you in three months - it's gotta be a personal record for you.
Mr. Davis: Oh, by all means, ignore the dislocated shoulder and let's make small talk

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology. Obviously I was unclear when I said, "Stay in the M.R.I. room with that patient." It must have sounded like, "Leave, and do other things."... Let me rephrase it so there'll be no more confusion: Get your ass back down there!

J.D.: Dr. Cox must have my pager on speed dial. He's completely on top of me today.
Elliot: Oh, do you know how much I wish Dr. Cox was on top of me?
J.D.: That's naughty!

Elliot: You make me so mad, I might actually scream! Every day you bitch and you bitch about how hard Dr. Cox is on you, and you don't even realize that you're his go-to guy.
J.D.: Oh, come on, you're over-reacting a little bit.
Elliot: What has he had you do today? Hm?
J.D.: Ummm... He had me intubate and extubate Mrs. Pollard; float a Swan on Mr. Caulca; and then do two thoracenteses, a paracentesis, a radial art. line...oh, and then place a transvenous pacemaker for a complete heart-block. Why? What did you do?
Elliot: Oh, uh... Cream. No sugar.
J.D.: He takes it sugar, no cream

Scrubs Season 1 Episode 12 Quotes

Elliot: I just don't know what to do about Dr. Cox!
J.D.: What the hell is going on, here?
Elliot: It's like, I say one thing, he says the other. I seriously can't take it anymore.
J.D.: Fine, why don't you just quit, become a lesbian, and hook up with some hot model?
Elliot: What does that have to do with anything?
J.D.: I don't know...I just thought it'd be hot

Turk: I've been doing a lot of thinking, and, you know...we're past that whole new, exciting relationship phase, and...all that's left is us. Baby, I gotta tell you: You drive me crazy. All right? You take my french fries; you-you boss me around in front of my friends-
Carla: You said strong women turn you on!