Dr. Kelso: Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
Dr. Cox: You know I did get it there Bob and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.

Dr. Cox: Huh. I was just wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don't show.
Dr. Kelso: I wonder what bothers you the most, is it that I saved his life, that he likes me as a person, I bet its how he respects me as a doctor. How does that taste? Bitter, hard to get down?

Carla: You better watch it Bambi. You don't want a hundred pound white girl mad at you. You'll flinch everytime you hear a Range Rover.
J.D.: I can't believe I have to spend all of Thanksgiving here. Tell me that wouldn't kill you.
Carla: Not really.
J.D.: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in your homeland?
Carla: You mean Chicago?
J.D.: You have a Chicago?

J.D.'s narration: I know two things about bars, one they're always packed the week of Thanksgiving and two put a beer in my hand and I'm Mr. Smooth.
Jennifer: I was laughing so hard milk was coming out of my nose.
J.D.: Well, I once tripped over an I.V. and blood shot over everyone! Er uh a little got on my nose. Every damn day saving those children!
Turk: Who wants Margaritas? Dude, less blood more fruity drinks

J.D.: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're examining me? I don't want you to see my unmentionables.
Elliot: I've seen underwear before.
J.D.: Actually I use the word unmentionables for my genitals as well

Turk: I just want you to know how serious I am about what I do.
J.D. Did you stitch your initials in to me?!
Turk: That's not important

Turk: So he was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.
J.D.: Dude!
Turk: Oh, my bad. Not crying. Punching the wall all manly and angry like

Carla: So did you talk to any girls last night?
Turk: Baby, I'm an attractive man, we both know this. It's just a burden you'll have to live with.
Carla: One of many

Dr. Benson: Still have that great rapport with the nurses huh?
Dr. Cox: Actually Carla totally gets me. That's why I've been systematically trying to drive her away.
Dr. Benson: You ever see that therapist I recommended?
Dr. Cox: Not yet, no

Elliot: Shortness of breath, dizziness, problems urinating?
J.D.: No, no, is it a problem if it whistles?
Elliot: Oh, you're making this so much easier! Are you sexually active?
J.D.: Oh it's active.
Elliot: I'll write, rare dry spell in the margin

Elliot: I heard you're telling everyone I violated you.
J.D.: Not everyone, just the people that work here. Oh, and my parents.
Elliot: Was there something wrong with my exam?
J.D.'s Narration: So there it is, the classic trap. Two choices, either wuss out or tell the truth.
J.D.: Well, you're kinda rough, yeah you're rough. And you're a little business like. Oh, and you're cold.
Elliot: Mm hm, you mean my hands?
J.D.: Yeah, those too. I just think you know you could be more comforting.
J.D.'s Narration: I could tell she appreciated how hard it was for me to say that.
Elliot: Do you know how annoying you are when you talk?
J.D.'s Narration: Maybe not

Dr. Kelso: So I've been looking at Dr. Benson's chart. His chest X Ray was normal, his vitals are stable. So let's discharge him.
Dr. Cox: Well now hold the phone there Skipper. Now, Dr. Benson should be able to stay here until he feels he's ready to go. I mean give me a break, he was only the chief of medicine for ten years!
Dr. Kelso: Well, I haven't had my coffee yet so I'm finding it hard coming up with a more colorful way to say who gives a crap? Actually that wasn't half bad

Scrubs Season 1 Episode 9 Quotes

Mr Davis: If it'll make you feel better, I hate this whole touchy feely culture anyway.
Elliot: Thank you!
Mr Davis: And that whole kiss hello thing.
Elliot: Ugh!
Mr Davis: Ew.
Elliot: Yeah, I don't want anyone touching me unless we're gonna have sex and even then I don't want them to overdo it

J.D.: No seriously man, I want you to know if I ever need surgery again, I want you inside of me.
Turk: I wanna be the one inside you