Dr. Cox: Tell me Laverne, are you infact, part Golden Retriever?
Laverne: Keep it holy now.
Dr. Cox: I only ask because everytime I toss this guy, ya bring him right back to me

Elliot: Mr. Barns has been admitted for substance abuse three times in the past year.
J.D.: Yeah, but he said he quit.
Dr. Cox: Oh, the addict said he quit? Why wouldn't you tell me something like that, 'cause, don't you see, that changes everything.
J.D.: I believe in Mr. Barns.
Dr. Cox: Look it newbie. Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't meant that the world has suddenly turned into a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do. Barbie here still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs, and addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat and steal just to get a fix. Now you've got to wake up sweetheart! You're gonna be late for school! Aww you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems

Turk: Hey.
Dr. Cox: Oh for the love of Oprah, why, why would come to pediatrics?
Turk: 'Cause I can't go unless you're around. You're my little pee-buddy. Haha!
Dr. Cox: What do you say we cut to the chase? You're dating Carla, the one person in this hospital I can remotely stand and she wants us to get all kissy-faced with each other, I get it, I do. But you see, every single time I shake my Magic Eight Ball and ask it, "Are we gonna be best friends forever?" do you know what it says?
Turk: No.
Dr. Cox: Outlook is ba-leak.
Turk: But Doctor Cox, you really can't trust those things. I mean when I was nine I asked mine if I should crack it open and drink the fluid inside. I puked blue for like three days. Haha!
Dr. Cox: Just a real cute story, here's what you're gonna do. Go back to Carla and don't obsess about why she's with you in the first place, just tell her we went to a ball game and we borrowed each others sweaters, mmkay little buddy?

Turk: So, who'd you side with, Elliot or Alex?
J.D.: Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away.
Turk: Smooth.
J.D.: Yeah. It's just, you know, they both have a point...
Turk: Stick to the booty principle.
J.D.: What's that?
Turk: The booty principle: Which one do you want to sleep with?
J.D.: Alex.
Turk: Then I think she might be right

Alex: You are so different from the guys I usually go out with.
J.D.: How so?
Alex: Well, for starters... I'm still wearing pants.
J.D.: Yeah, well, that is because I respect you.
Alex: Oh, yeah?
J.D.: Yeah. And also, this triple-knot, I couldn't get out

Dr. Cox: All right, Will and Grace: break down.
Elliot: Judging by Mr. Barnes' elevated lipase, I'd say it's pancreatitis.
Dr. Cox [to J.D.]: Okay, Grace, you wanna finish?

Dr. Cox: In case you were wondering, it says, "If you can read this, you're standing too close."
Turk: No, I wasn't trying to...you know...look...
Dr. Cox: Now let's see if you can tinkle when someone's staring at you... Yeah, go ahead and take your time - I actually have all day

Vendor: Hey, Bob, how are ya?
Dr. Kelso: Fine, Allen. Uh, today, I think I'll try a double half-caf mocha foam latte mochaccino with a shot of vanilla and a sprinkle of nutmeg.
Vendor: So, black coffee?
Dr. Kelso: Bingo-bango!
Carla: Oh, my God - these people actually like you!
Dr. Kelso: Maybe you should just order.
Carla: Yes, I'll have an espresso, please; and...what kind of scones do you have today?
Man: Son of a bitch. Do you mind, lady? I am in a rush.
Carla: Oh, my goodness! I'm so sorry. What am I doing thinking I can take an extra six seconds to pick my breakfast? I'm gonna have to call my mom and tell her she did a lousy job raising me. Thank you, so much.
Dr. Kelso: I, uh, I think what she means is, she doesn't give a crappuccino!

Turk: Hey. How you doing?
Dr. Cox: Oh, hey! How are you? Can I buy you a beer? This is a men's room, for God's sake - there is absolutely no talking in here. Ever.
Turk: It's just so freaky, you know? We're on the same pee schedule

Laverne: Well, I don't think we should stand for it. Dr. Kelso can't just decide we're not allowed to switch shifts anymore. I'm supposed to go see my nephew tonight in 'Pippin.'
Nurse: Who's he playing?
Laverne: Pippin. Bob Kelso is a bad man.
Carla: I don't know; I mean, we never think about how hard it is to always be the bad guy, you know?
Laverne: I want him to die!

Turk: Someone call for a surgical consult?
Dr. Cox: You're Dr. Turk?
Turk: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: Of course you are. Note to self: You've got to start writing down the names of people that truly annoy you!

Carla: I wanted to thank you...for what you did. You know, when you yelled at me in front of the other nurses. I appreciate it.
Dr. Kelso: Young lady, I yelled at you because that paperwork looked like it had been done by a drunk four-year-old. Listen, Carla, I have a family who loves me, a handful of close friends, and a wonderful hobby shop in my basement; I don't spend much time worrying about people's feelings around here - I just do whatever makes me happy

Scrubs Season 1 Episode 14 Quotes

J.D.: You remember, like, when the new 'Star Wars' movie came out, and it was all built up, and then people went to see it and it really wasn't that great in bed?
Alex: Relax! The first one's a freebie, so you can get your form back

J.D.: All right, I should've done this a long time ago; so, here goes: I'm sorry. I shouldn't accuse you of being jealous, you were just looking out for me, and...you were right about Alex.
Elliot: You never did sleep with her, did you?
J.D.: No... But, why does that matter?
Elliot: Because I was jealous