(J.D. winks at Dr. Cox)
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, Sabrina. You had better tell me that you just had laser eye surgery and they accidentally severed the muscle that enables you to hold that lid up, because you did not just wink at me!
J.D.: I didn't mean anything by it, I wink at everybody. (Winks at Dr. Kelso) Hey, Dr. Kelso!
Dr. Kelso: Save it for the bathhouses, sport.

Is there one bathroom in this damn place that has toliet paper, or do I have to start carrying around a basket of leaves?!

Dr. Kelso

Janitor: Did you steal pudding and toilet paper?
J.D.: What? No! I hate pudding and I don't use toilet paper. (Pauses) I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet.
J.D.: Bidet to you sir.

Janitor: Hold up! There's been a number of thefts around the hospital. We're doing bag checks.
J.D.: But what about that guy taking scrubs?
Janitor: Hey, Tom!
Tom: Hey!
Janitor: He doesn't have a bag.

Carla: You don't seem that stressed out.
Elliot: Well, I haven't pooed in six days.
J.D.: Twice this morning, and I haven't even had my coffee yet.
Elliot: You really pick odd things to brag about.
J.D.: I'm just saying, if I had to get three by lunch, I probably could.

Janitor: You know, we're zeroing in on the guy that's been stealing stuff.
J.D.: Oh? Well, that's good.
Janitor: Yep. In fact, right now, I'm dusting for fingerprints.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor: Nah, I'm just dusting.

Well, just for being so jealous and pissy lately. I mean, I guess I just kind of got hung up on the fact that you were with, you know, Dr. Jasper and...Dr. Michaels...Dr. Stone. Was it his ear hair? Is that what is so compelling about him?

Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Jordan. Please tell me you ate a raccoon and it's slowly making its way through your digestive system.
Jordan: Oh, don't worry, it's not your baby. Though not for lack of trying - see, we have sex a lot.
Julie: Who are you?
Jordan: Who do you think I am?
Julie: Well, you have keys to the apartment, so I'm gonna say... the maid.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan, are you... are you crying?
Jordan: No... I don't know! I'm just completely hormonal! I mean, you try going from out-of-control horny to clinically depressed six times a day.
Dr. Cox: Oh, gimme a break, I can knock that out on the way to work.

Elliot: So, Dad, how are things at home?
Dr. Reid: They're good...good. Your mom redid the bedroom again. I'm gonna keep mine the way it is.
Elliot: Well, you don't want to be one of those couples that does everything together.

Turk: Hey, man. You wanna grab a couple of beers tonight?
J.D.: Can't. I'm moonlighting at Urgent Care.
Turk: That's funny, the lady didn't call me?
J.D.: Well, maybe that's because I found out you stole a hundred dollars from me and I Marcia Brady'd your ass.
Turk: What?
J.D.: You know, when Marcia was working at the ice cream shop, and then she got Jan a job, and they liked Jan better, so they fired Marcia.
Turk: Yeah, "Marcia Gets Creamed" - Season Five, Episode Three. Don't ever question me on The Bunch. Besides, there's no way they liked you better than me.
J.D.: Then maybe it's because I told her that you smoke the ganja.

Julie, this is my ex-wife, Jordan; Jordan, this is my girlfriend, Julie. Okay! That was a treat, wasn't it? Now, would you like me to call you a cab, or should I just whistle and have the flying monkeys bring the broom around?

Dr. Cox

Scrubs Season 2 Episode 8 Quotes

Dr. Cox: I was always gonna wind up with you.
Jordan: So, the whole vulnerable crying thing worked, huh?
Dr. Cox: I never had a chance.
Jordan: You do realize I'm pregnant, don't you?
Dr. Cox: Yeah. They're both for me.
Jordan: Cheers.

Turk: You know, I keep waiting to get sick of pudding but with every cup I love it more.
J.D.: Yeah, me too.