Ketchup is for winners, Ted!

Dr. Kelso

I know I agreed to have a baby, but you were offering sex at the time - I would have agreed to anything.

Turk

Elliot: Guys can't fake it!
Turk: Really?! Does this sound familar? Oh, oh, baby, we're going all night, NO WAIT DON'T MOVE...sorry.
Elliot: Way...too...familar.

Ah Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be healthy or unhealthy never 'bangin' double D's'.

J.D.

Carla: Why are you in your boxers?!
J.D.: Yes, I am, Carla! Because I know when Turk's sad, he likes me to come over in my boxers, because he likes to call me his "honky adonis." And that's what friends do.
Carla/Elliot: Eh.
J.D.'s Narration: They bought it? Are we that gay?

Carla: Dr. Cox says it's like having a dog that gradually learns to talk.
Turk: Awesome!

Dr. Kelso: Perry: your lips, my ass.. they should meet.

Turk: Dude, you're still eating those brownies!
J.D.: I don't wanna get pregnant, shoot.

Turk: ...you should have just let her fork me!
Elliot: I think that's how you got into trouble in the first place. Whazzzup!
Todd: Euphemism-Five!
Elliot: His vocabulary has gotten so much better!

Dr. Kelso: Dorian, after four years, I can only hope you are no longer following in his footsteps.
J.D.: I turned in my paperwork already, but I'm gonna wait till tomorrow to turn in my urine sample out of respect to the fellas in the lab... There's an asparagus issue.
Dr. Kelso: Now there's an answer that warrants a half-sincere pat on the shoulder.
J.D.: Thanks, Dr. Kelso! You know, he said "half-sincere" but I'm pretty sure it was full-sincere. Feel my shoulder - it's still warm.

Dr. Cox: Lindsay, by you reaching the level of attending physician, you have somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to. Obviously there was no vote. Because if there had been, you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, "Nay, nay, oh, dear God, one thousand times nay!" That being said, it's my obligation to let you in on the organization's one and only bylaw: We're men.

J.D.: Hey, guys! Follow me. Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, we're lucky - this is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts who are quite adept at this. Did you find a vein, there, Reverend Mayhem?
Reverend Mayhem: No problem.

Scrubs Season 5 Episode 1 Quotes

Nurse: Oh, Dr. Reid, are you joining us for lunch today?
Elliot: Ahhh... anyone want half a tofu-cheese sandwich?

(J.D.'s trying to sneak out of the apartment in his underwear)
Carla:J.D.!
J.D.: I gotta make a quick twosie.